Delta Adventures

Discussion in 'Pokemon Fan Fiction' started by Lucario EX, Feb 24, 2008.

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  1. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    This is my first fan-fic, so, I'm sorry if it's completely terrible. If anyone actually cares, I'll probably post the next chapter fairly soon.


    Deep inside a large cave, several Lucario sat on large rocks that appeared to have been placed carefully in a large circle. Light shone faintly from a hole smashed in the ceiling. One Lucario stood at the very back of the cave, and seemed to be the leader.
    "Coryll! Kaytan! Maeryk! Come forward!" it called, and two Riolu ran out from behind a boulder. Another trailed behind them, quietly, as if not wanting to be seen. The third Riolu was gold-colored where a regular Riolu would be blue, and glowed slightly in the dim cave. All three walked up to the Lucario in the back, who looked at each of them very carefully, particularly the golden one.
    "Are all of you ready?" it asked them quietly. The two normal-colored Riolu nodded enthusiastically, but then the golden one, Kaytan, glared up at it fiercely.
    "Did you think I wouldn't be?" Kaytan muttered quietly, so no one could hear, then nodded slowly.
    "Very well. Mokuna will lead you." the Lucario said. Another Lucario got up, and began to walk away from the circle, then Coryll and Maeryk ran past it.
    "Return quickly, for we will have much to tell you. The council has many things to discuss." the first Lucario called to Mokuna. "And I would prefer that it be when the young ones are not listening." he said quietly, to no one in particular. Kaytan just barely heard, and looked at all of them defiantly, then ran outside.
  2. Crystal Hikara

    Crystal Hikara New Member

    It's not terrible, perse...there's simply just not enough to really judge anything right now, as a prologue. If you had more, at least a chapter, I think we may have something here, but as of right now it's too early to tell where this is going. It's sort of confusing as of right now with all these randomly named characters and to try and figure out who is talking. That, and I'd double-space new paragraphs

    Like this

    just to make it easier to read, as in most cases there are no indenting options. However, I am interested to see where this may go.

    *hopes she doesn't get gnaw'd on for bumping a month old topic...:B*
  3. Burninating_Torchic

    Burninating_Torchic New Member

    If the topic's a month old and there were never any posts after the OP, chances are there isn't any more coming.
  4. charmander rox

    charmander rox New Member

    I'm interested!
  5. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Heeey, I'm gonna finish it! I was waiting for someone to comment. Thanks for the advice, CH, I'll probably post more tomorrow.
  6. Crystal Hikara

    Crystal Hikara New Member

    Luc Ex asked me to post a critique before he continued on with his story. Quite frankly, I can't blame the guy for not wanting to double-post. *hence why her RQO thread on Serebii died*

    Anyways, your welcome, Luc Ex. Oh, and Chap. 6 is done from editing, if you wouldn't mind posting again. (What a mess that was...)
  7. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    What is it about me that makes everyone think I'm a boy?

    Might change this chapter a bit later, I had three versions written down, and this was the only one I could find. There are probably still some typos in here I didn't catch, also.

    Chapter 1
    Maeryk and Coryll ran down a mountain path, stumbling over sticks and rocks.
    "Slow down! You'll get hurt!" Mokuna called to them, but the two Riolu only stopped for a moment, then continued running. Kaytan hung back, trying not to be noticed. Maeryk didn't realize this, and stopped to let Kaytan catch up.

    "Why do you always have to be such a stick-in-the-mud?" Maeryk asked.
    "I'm no stick-in-the-mud, I just don't rush into everything recklessly the way you and Coryll do." Kaytan replied. Maeryk, offended by Kaytan's comment, ran ahead of the others again. Mokuna stopped suddenly, in front of the entrance to another cave. He stood away from the cave, and motioned for the three Riolu to enter. Coryll ran ahead excitedly, with Maeryk right behind her. Kaytan stayed behind, lost in thought.

    "You don't have to do this, you know. It's alright if you're scared." Mokuna told him.
    "I'm not scared! Why is everyone always expecting me to mess stuff up!" Kaytan yelled, startled back into reality, then ran to catch up with Coryll and Maeryk before he got a response. Not too far into the cave, Maeryk was swatting at Zubat flying down and getting in his way. Coryll scowled at him, as one of his wildly thrown punches almost hit her.
    "Leave them alone, Maeryk! They live here, remember? Let them fly around." she told him, as Kaytan caught up to them, sparkling brightly in the darkness. "

    I'll leave them alone if I want to!" Maeryk replied, though he did stop hitting at the Zubat. Coryll tripped over something suddenly, then saw that it was an Oddish. The small grass-type, startled, flung leaves at all of them, annoying Kaytan. He kicked the Oddish away, knocking it into a Gible hiding in the wall. Within minutes all kinds of wild Pokemon were surrounding the Riolu, ready to fight. Most of the Pokemon were not even ones that normally were found in caves, such as the Oddish.

    "There are supposed to be a lot of Pokemon in here, but why Oddish and Totodile? They wouldn't be in here unless..." Maeryk said, but Kaytan interrupted him. "Unless something or someone chased them in here, most likely." Coryll immediately panicked, and looked for a way out, but Pokemon were everywhere, blocking any possible escape route. Just then several of the Pokemon vanished, and through the remaining ones Kaytan could make out a bright light of some sort. A Salamence desperately smashed out a large chunk of rock, creating a gap in the wall, and flew out. The other Pokemon crowded around the hole, but it opened onto a sheer cliff. Only a flying Pokemon could escape that way. With the surrounding Pokemon out of the way, Kaytan saw that what the other Pokemon were afraid of was only one human, holding a large lantern and randomly flinging Pokeballs everywhere, most of them hitting rocks and breaking open.

    "Weird. There are enough powerful Pokemon here, that guy should be the one running away, but..." Coryll stopped, knocked down by the tail of a Sceptile. The human saw this, and noticed the three Riolu for the first time. He reached for another Pokeball, and Maeryk jumped behind an Onix, dragging Coryll after him. He shoved Kaytan out of the way accidentally, and the golden Riolu was hit by the Pokeball easily.
    Last edited: Mar 27, 2008
  8. Napoleon

    Napoleon New Member

    This is great! Very dramatic, and quickly as well. Makes you think whether or not the Lucarios had all of it planned.
  9. charmander rox

    charmander rox New Member

    Nice. I like it. Good suspense.
  10. Muscovy Level X

    Muscovy Level X New Member

    If you spend this much time between chapters, the suspense is much better if there are hints to the overall plot. Good story!
  11. Xenoz Blaid

    Xenoz Blaid New Member

    MORE PLEAsse
  12. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Thanks everyone, I will try to post the next chapter soon now that Regionals is over.
  13. CyberManectric

    CyberManectric Active Member

    This is a pretty cool story Lucario EX. I look forward to the next chapter. :thumb:
  14. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Thanks a lot, CyberManectric EX. I know it's gotta be decent, if you bothered to post.

    Anyway, chapter 2. Hope everyone likes it.:redface:

    Kaytan found himself in a huge grassy field that seemed to go on forever. There was nothing in sight but a few trees, and there was not a cloud in the sky. There also was no sign of the human who had captured him, and Kaytan could not remember anything that happened after that. Before he could ponder the bizarre, lifeless landscape anymore, or how he got there, a Kirlia walked up behind him, seemingly out of nowhere.
    Kaytan had no idea where the other Pokemon had come from, or what it's intentions were, but he could somehow feel it's presence as clearly as his own.
    While he was thinking about this, the grass he stood on had woven itself around his feet, and he toppled over as soon as he tried to move. More grass tied itself around his arms and legs, trapping him completely, and the Kirlia loomed over him. Kaytan could feel a sort of sympathetic guilt emanating from it, which confused him further. The Kirlia raised one hand, and a flurry of sharpened leaves flew at him. Suddenly an image of a peculiar Pokeball appeared in his mind, entirely black except for a red triangle in the middle bordered by fang-like shapes.

    "Fight back, you stupid Pokemon!" something shouted in a robotic voice, and Kaytan felt spikes stabbing him, though nothing of the sort appeared to exist. Kaytan would have fallen over in surprise, had he not already tripped. He broke free of the grass, and charged at the Kirlia, knocking it over. The phantom spikes disappeared, but though Kaytan continued to pummel the other Pokemon, none of his attacks seemed to do anything. He suddenly felt the spikes again, but they didn't stab him this time, merely poked him slightly as if in warning.

    "Stop using physical attacks. Use psychic attacks." the same robotic voice told him. Kaytan was confused, but not enough to give up. He glared hard at the Kirlia, who stood there silently, watching his every move. Kaytan thought hard about how angry he was at being in that place, and continued to glare. For a brief moment, his eyes glowed a brilliant green, and the Kirlia fell over as if hit by a projectile. Kaytan suddenly began to glow a bright white, and grew taller, changing shape slightly. Kaytan merely slumped to the ground, though. He was still the same brilliant gold color.
    Kaytan had told himself for so long that he would be a normal Pokemon when he evolved, and he was still the wrong color, still glowing faintly even in the bright light.
    Just then most of the field faded, to become a small room with rubber walls and a bizarre electrical device on the ceiling. The trees and grass were still there, but only a dull gray-green. Kaytan and the strange Kirlia were both recalled back into the strange, black Pokeballs, although Kaytan did not realize this.
  15. charmander rox

    charmander rox New Member

    Bit of a short chapter, but good. Didn't really expect evolution by Chapter 2, though.
  16. Xenoz Blaid

    Xenoz Blaid New Member

    I like it but it was a little short. So hurry with the third chapter!
  17. Reymei

    Reymei New Member

    Well, not bad. It's cool. I already sent an entry. Are you new too?
  18. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Thanks, but... what entry? As for me being new, that depends on who I'm being compared to.
    Anyway, next chapter should be up soon-ish.
  19. charmander rox

    charmander rox New Member

    Seems kind of odd that he is angry when he evolves, with the Friendship evolution and everything.
  20. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Friendship evolution doesn't really seem logical. There can't never be any wild Lopunny or Togetic, it just wouldn't make sense.

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