My quest with Pikachu

Discussion in 'Pokemon Fan Fiction' started by pikachugirl1990, Jul 28, 2008.

  1. pikachugirl1990

    pikachugirl1990 New Member

    Chapter 1 The start of my joruney with Pikachu
    My name is Sara and I am a young 18 year old Pokemon Trainer living in Pallet Town in the Kanto Region. My quest is to become a Pokemon Master and Proffessor Oak gave me a female Pikachu as my first Pokemon. This Pikachu was very shy and she didn't want to be in her Poke Ball. So, Pikachu rode on my hat that has a pink Poke Ball on it. My rival and friend is named Barry Oak who is a cousin to Gary. Barry smiled and said Hello Sara! I waved and said Hi Barry!!!! I was on Route 1 and I spotted a wild Pidgey in the grassy bush. I called on Pikachu and she came off my hat. Pikachu used a thunder-shock attack on the wild Pidgey. And I threw a Great Ball and the Pidgey was cuaght!!!! I walked up to Vidraian City with Pikachu and a young boy trianer came out of the Pokemon Center. The boy came up and said hey I am Ash and what's your name? I am Sara. Sara is a cute name said Ash. Ash and I became friends. I rested my Pikachu and she was very tired. The next day, I walked to Vidraidain Forest and I spotted a group of Bulbasuar resting. Pidgey came out of his great ball and he was ready to battle. Bulbasuar woke up and he starteed to attack my Pikachu!!!! Pikachu return to your Poke Ball right now!!!! Pidgey used a gust attack and Bulbasaur was weaken and I threw a Poke Ball and the Bulbasaur became my new partner!!!

    Chapter 2 The first gym battle with Brock
    The next day I went to Pewter City where Brock was waiting on me. Brock smiled when I came walking up the road to his gym. He said Hi Sara! I am Brock the Pewter City Gym Leader!!!!! I said Brock, what kind of Pokemon you use? Brock said to me the rock type!!!!! I was ready to battle while my Pikachu watched the battle from the sidelines. I called on Bulbasuar and he came out of the Poke Ball like a bird flying. Brock called on Onix!!! I said to Bulbasaur, vine whip now!!!!!!! Onix taken lots of damage and the giant Pokemon was knocked out on the first turn!!!! Brock didn't have any Pokemon left and so I have won the Boulder Badge!!!
     
  2. Brawler

    Brawler <a href="http://pokegym.net/forums/showpost.php?p=

    WOW. Hurts to read.

    Can you space it?
     
  3. KAZUTO!!!

    KAZUTO!!! New Member

    What does cuaght mean? I'm sorry, I'm not familiar with the word.

    Also, I never knew there was a City or forest called Vidraidain. I know of Viridian, though.

    Seriously. You have GOT to space it out, make the characters speak more, type with capitals, put quotation marks whenever a character speaks, and add more details. Also, you're using exclamation marks too much. Read a novel. It won't have many exclamation marks, and if it does, only really when a character talks. And having 5 exclamation marks in a row is NOT correct grammar. Seriously, YOU NEED TO USE GOOD GRAMMAR IF YOU WANT TO WRITE A FANFIC!

    *Ends rant*
     
  4. charmander rox

    charmander rox New Member

    Didn't we already tell you not to do this in your last fanfic?

    Quotation marks ("") and commas (,) are your friend. Use them.
     
  5. meditite rox

    meditite rox New Member

    Why do you use multiple ! to end a lot of your sentences? It just makes it harder to read. And separate it into paragraphs.
     
  6. Pikamaster

    Pikamaster Active Member

    Don't you mean "because she was very tired."?
    You probably mean "Onix took a lot of damage" or "Onix had taken lots of damage" Sorry, but this is a total mess. You leave out and miss spell words, you don't use )"") or (,). There isn't correct grammar, and to quote Brawler1624,
    *ends rant*
     
  7. Brawler

    Brawler <a href="http://pokegym.net/forums/showpost.php?p=

    And that part where Brock says,"Hi, Sara!", is not realistic at all.

    1: Sara and Brock haven't met before.

    2:^Thus, how could he know her name?

    3: As far as I know, Brock dosen't stalk Sara.
     
  8. Muscovy Level X

    Muscovy Level X New Member

    This is another plain story that you whiped off then ignored!!!!! Why do you not improve it, or comment (?)!!!!! It's just a bunch of random things near the begining of the Kanto games where people say Hi Sara and don't act normaly and talk with 5 exclemation marks!!!!!
     

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