Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

The Black Shadow

C

CheeseEX

New Member
To those that saw my earlyer fan fics this will be better. (i hope:redface:)
And i had fun with this (so far:lol:) so if all of you out there have 1/2 as much fun reading this as i did then itll be worth it.
Please give suggestions/criticisom i wil read it just might not listin/implament it:lol:.
please rate each chapter 1-10 if its not 2 much trouble thanks.
and lastly enjoy:thumb:






THE BLACK SHADOW

PROLOGUE


The year 2800 Pokémon have been discovered all over the world! The year 3000 the evil groups Team Aqua, Team Magma, Team rocket, and Team Galactic have joined together to form the Team Darkness. Their goal is to take over the world with Pokémon. The Pokémon Militia Force is the worlds only hope. By the year 3005 Team Darkness has over run every continent the Pokémon Militia Force is nearing its final battle.


CHAPTER 1

THE FINAL BATTLE

Bob and his brother Jim woke to the sound of EAERN EAERN EAERN EAERN “after 5 years of this you’d think Team Darkness would give up” said Jim. The announcement continued “Team Darkness incoming all trainers to the ready room!!!!! “ Yeah well when they do let me know’ this coming from Bob. When they entered the ready room they saw that General Surge himself was there already as was there the 300 remaining members of the PMF. The PMF was a diverse group made up of the remaining military of the nations and civilians.
Bob wearing a red shirt and brown shorts took a seat. Next to him Jim with his bright blue shirt and khaki shorts also took a seat. Then surge started to speak “men this is either the turning point of the war on team darkness or our final battle. We don’t know what numbers they have or how strong they are nor there positions, but we do know this if we lose this battle team darkness has won and they will have taken over the world and I know that I will not go out with out a fight now lets go.”

Surge always makes speeches like that comparatively short and he gets right to the point.

Bob and Jim charged on to the felid of battle with the rest of the PMF. And Bob was quickly attacked by a pochyena. He threw a poke ball and out came a Jolteon. Then the Pochyena’s trainer appeared.

Bob “Jolteon tackle!”

Team darkness man “Pochyena give it your tackle.”

The two Pokémon launched themselves at each other.

“Jolteon double team!”

Suddenly there were 10 Jolteons heading towards pochyena witch startled it causing it to crash then ten Jolteons hit Pochyena dead on knocking it out and sending it into its trainer knocking out him to. Then after ten more battles ending the same way he met up with Jim and his Espeon. Then they were surrounded and they noticed they were the last PMF operatives left Jim “Espeon teleport”. Then they were gone and Team Darkness was confused but they had won.
 
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"Suddenly there were 10 Jolteons heading towards pochyena witch startled it causing it to crash then ten Jolteons hit Pochyena dead on knocking it out and sending it into its trainer knocking out him two."
The part in bold.
 
gallade, maybe you should specify which to, two, or too it should be changed to.
In this case, it should be too. "Two" is the number, "too" is used only when the word "also" would make sense in its place, and "to" is used anywhere else.

While I'm pointing stuff out...

EAERN EAERN EAERN EAERN.

“After 5 years of this you’d think Team Darkness would give up,” said Jim.

The announcement continued. “Team Darkness incoming, all trainers to the ready room!“

"Yeah well when they do let me know," Bob said.

In general, speech will start a new paragraph. If, however, there is no speech in the current paragraph and the previous subject is the one about to speak, or if someone who spoke earlier in the paragraph is still talking, you do not need a new paragraph. I see you corrected this later on, during the battle. Also, when there is not a period or other punctuation, speech is introduced and ended with a comma.

General corrections:
on to (onto) the felid (field) of battle
pochyena (poochyena)
witch (which) startled it

Just look for the commas. Don't be afraid to use commas; they won't bite. Or, you can just split the larger sentences into several smaller ones.

Suddenly there were 10 Jolteons heading towards pochyena which startled it, causing it to crash, then ten Jolteons hit Poochyena dead on, knocking it out and sending it into its trainer, knocking him out too. Then, after ten more battles ending the same way, he met up with Jim and his Espeon. Then they were surrounded and they noticed they were the last PMF operatives left. “Espeon, teleport,” Jim said. Then they were gone and Team Darkness was confused, but they had won.
 
Pretty good. It would be better if you used better punctuation, but I guess that was already pointed out... Chapter 1 review: rating: 6/10
 
CHAPTER 2

a new begging
1 year later


Bob and Jim were now in the town of Viridian city. All cities being changed to Pokémon town names after Team Darkness took over. Bob and Jim have been hiding out and haven’t been found yet. The people knew who they were but they didn’t care they were just trying to follow the new laws and not get arrested. So Bob and Jim were never discovered by Team Darkness. Apparently more PMF agents had escaped then Bob and Jim thought. Because there were posters with the pictures of all the PMF agents left hiding out everywhere.

Unfortunately the list shrinks everyday but Bob and Jim haven’t had a run-in with Team Darkness agents yet until now.

BBBBBBBBBOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Jim “What was that!?!” Bob “I don’t know but let’s find out!!”
Bob and Jim ran towards the source of the noise when they got there they saw a trainer losing a battle to Team Darkness with his Eevee.
Grunt 1 “Pochyena tackle”

Boy “Eevee dodge and use Shadow Ball” the Eevee jumped and fired a dark ball of darkness at the Pochyena.

Grunt 2 “Zigzagon intercept the shadow ball!”

Grunt 3 “Machop use karate chop!”

Zigzagon used the fact that dark attacks don’t affect normal Pokémon and jumped into the path of the shadow ball. Machop sensing Eevee was distracted rushed in and hit it with a super effective karate chop.

Bob “Let’s help him”. Jim “We don’t know if he’s friend or foe yet”. Bob “he’s fighting Team Darkness what more proof could you need”. And at that he ran off Jim “Argh Bob you’re going to get us killed one of these days”!! But Bob was already off and Jim ran after. Bob “three to one isn’t far what do you think we even the odds jolteon.” Jim “Espeon lets battle!!

Grunt 1 “wait it’s two of the last of those PMF operatives. Lets get’em two boys”

“You’re PMF?!?!??!!?!” The boy said with a mix of surprise and curiosity.
Bob “Talk later battle now Jolteon thunder!!!” Then a big dark cloud came. A thunderbolt hit Jolteon which used the power to send a massive blast of electricity towards the enemy Pokémon. When it hit the Pokémon were knocked out.

Grunt 1 “Fall back, fall back!!!!!!!!” Jim “that was fast”. Bob “Who are you and why was Team Darkness after you?”
Boy “I’m Chris and I am a member of the resistance of light.”
Bob and Jim “Resistance of light????”
Suddenly a large helicopter arrived “Chris get in!” and down came a rope ladder.
Chris “Come with me’ Team Darkness will send more people here soon.”
Bob “Jim what do you think I think he is right lets go” Bob muttering “Now who’s going to get us killed.” Chris “it’s settled then”. And he started to climb followed by Bob and Jim. Girl “who’s this” Chris “friends I think” Girl “alright pilot lets get back to base”
And the helicopter flew off with Bob and Jim on it.


ps find the theme pm me the theme and if your right and you the first 4 you can be in my fan fic
 
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Chapter 3


??? “Sir, Commander Chris is back and he brought a surprise.”
Then a tall man with a brown shirt and blue jeans on turned around and said. “Surprise?”
“Yes sir”
The man sighed “Tell him I don’t like surprises and that ill be right down”
“Yes sir”

Meanwhile down at the entrance to the Resistance of Light HQ.
Chris “Stay put of site until I tell you to come out. Ok?”
Bob “Yeah, yeah, yeah”.
Then the man came out of the elevator. “Chris, when are you going to learn I don’t like surprises”
Chris “I think you’ll like this one boss, come out”.
Then Bob and Jim came out of the closet and stood behind Chris “Sir, this is Bob and Jim they were PMF”.
The man said “PMF!! Chris I like this surprise now Bob, Jim im the leader of the Resistance of Light. You can call me Ryan.”
Bob “Ok, we would like 2 join”
Ryan “We can’t let anyone else join because we have a spy.”
Jim “Spy? I can help with that give me 1-6 hours.” And at that he ran off.
After seeing Ryan and Chris’s confused look Bob proceeded to explain.
“Jim was the head off the security team of the PMF give him 4 more seconds
3-2-1” then Jim comes back dragging a unconscious man and says “Found the spy”
Ryan “That was fast. Ok you’re in Chris show them 2 their rooms please”
Chris “Yes sir”
 
You seem to be putting almost no effort into this. Take the time to write properly, avoid script format, and proofread better. No matter how good your story is, if it looks this sloppy, people will probably assume you don't really care about writing well, and will be less likely to comment.
 
Just give it more effort. Some more detail, more action, a little less dialogue, and make the chapters a bit longer. I feel as though the 3rd chapter didn't go anywhere.
~Cyber~
 
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