Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

The Gate is Open

LegacyEeveeVGC

LegacyEeveeVGC

Active Member
Ok this is my first fan-fic.
Please no flamming or telling me I have bad English(I am working on my Grammer)

INTRO
Hi i am Jacob... or at least I was....
I am a Pokemon Fan and a Computer Wiz (Part Pokedex for how much I know)
I Always never did anything right no matter what. In this world ( OURS ) I was like a nobody.
Till one night I was messing with my Pokemon Games Saph, Ruby, Emerald, Fire Red and Leaf Grean, Gold, Silver, Crystel, Red, Blue, and Yellow tring to make a Pokemon Game with it all and more!
(NOT REALY NINTENDO I DO NOT HACK)
And then IT happened!
Now I find my self in a whole new world and I dont know what is going on I fell like I am loosing my mind.
It is easier to believe in a fantasy then the real world but its not a Fantasy it is real!
The rest is for you to find out.
 
I'm not going to flame you, but I will help you.

I understand that your english grammar is not what you would consider to be on par, but the first key to writing fanfiction is to essentially sell yourself; I don't feel moved reading this, and I don't feel the urge to come back a week from now to see if you have updated your post because you left me on a cliffhanger and -I WANT MORE-.

Secondly, writing competently takes serious practice. I still mess up every now and again. When making a post, make sure you read over what you wrote. If something doesn't add up or make sense to you, odds are it will not make any sense to the person reading it either.

Here's how I would start this post.


"They used to call me Jacob."

The above text looks like a better opener, as now the reader is now curious as to why the protagonist was once called Jacob. Now they want more.

"I bet you've probably seen me before, nestled in the corner of the computer lab, doing my own thing, minding my own business, and generally not caring anything about you or what you're doing. In your eyes, I chase my dreams every day in that lab as I wander from forest to forest in search of the ever so elusive, the ever so difficult. These are my pokemon, these are my sounds of battle, this is my world."

Just another example up above this text. That body of text simulates a personality of the character, who begrudgingly believes he is forgotten because he hides in the dark. This sets up for a more interesting angle as the reader now has a relationship with the character. There is more subliminal messaging behind the above text than just so blandly stating that you're a pokemon fan and a computer wiz.


1) What they say.
2) What they do.
3) What others say about them.

It normally takes at least two of the above to constitute believability.

I'll gladly be able to lend a hand if you think you need it. Good luck.

-Haunt.
 
Thank you I rewrote what i had already done and I am about to post it.
Tell me what you think please.

Back to back posts merged. The following information has been added:

Chap 1
One day after school I was walking home with my friend Richard talking about how bad school was.
"Man school was a pain today", I said as I was walking on the way home.
"Well you passed the test atleast", Said Richard, " I mean being made fun of for liking Pokemon, I said.It happens to the best of us trainers"
Hey I gotta rush home, "I said as I started to run off, "I am working on this Pokemon Game Project."
"What next", Richard shouted as I ran off.

As I get home I kick off my shoes and grab snack off the counter and head up to my room.
"Now I can work on the project", I said as I ran entered my room.
"Now what did I do with those links I bought online ?", I said as I was digging under my bed where I keep all my games.
I found it and I rushed over to my custom built computer and I look out the window and the light of the sun is blocked out
by miles and miles of dark blackesh clouds and I ignore the signs of a storm and start to hook every thing up when the phone rings.
"Hello", I say as I pick up the phone.
"Hey have you started on it yet", said Richard form over the phone.
"Just about to", I said into the phone.
"Well you better hurry it getting bad out here where I am", Said Richard.
"Ok I will... Hey why dont you come over later and try what I get done on it", I said.
"Sure sounds good bye", Richard says as hehangs up the phone.
I hang up the phone and finish hooking up the cords and I put in the games in this order.
Red Green Blue Yellow Gold Silver Crystel Ruby Saphire Emerald Fire-Red Leaf-Green and a E-Reader.
"Ok now lets try the program I made", I say as it starts to rain out side and I swipe every E-reader card for the Pokemon Game I could buy online.
I spend four hours working on it and as around ever hour the rain got harder and it get worse outside.
"Ok its time to try it", I say as I put on a Custom 3D Helment I made from a old Virtual Boy for gameplay.
As I start the game start the game the screan starts messing up and I start to feel wierd and then I hear a
large boom and I smell something smoaking and I find my self on the floor with the helment freaking out and then the screan Glows
a Rainbow Color and then I white out.
 
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As you wish heer is the next part!

Chap 2

While I am still whited out I hear a Mystery Voice speaking to me and it said "Welcome
young Trainer you have opened the gate to this world and you have travelled over and you
must help save this world from a fate that will one day be and from hear on out you will be
known as Jran Sakarra and that only NOW AWAKEN!"
"Uh... What happen?", I said as I openedopen my eyes and find my self in a wierd room on a bed.
Then someone knocked on the door and I said "come in" and in came my Mom.
"Well it looks like you are awke early for once in your life", Said my Mom.
"Mom where am I", I asked her.
"In your room.... did you hit your head", she asked me.
"I dont think so I feel dizzy I was working on my computer last night when something happened",I Said.
"Well I told you to get to bed early for you big day", she said.
Wait what big day", I asked her.
"When your day you start your journey to become a Pokemon Trainer", She said.
"Wait Pokemon are not real its a video game!", I said.
"What are you talking about they are as real as you and me",she said looking at me wierd.
"Ya right prove it I know they are not real", I said like I was gonna going crazy.
"Ok just look out your window", she said and pointed out the window.
I get up and look out the window and I see a flock of Pidgey fly by and I see a Rattata out in the yard in a Garden chewwing on a piece of fruit.
"Wait this is not not Home!", I shouted.
"Why yes it is your in Palet Town where we have always lived, now you better go see Pro. Oak and get your starter Pokemon",She said sounding very mad.
 
Getting better, Jran.

as a minor criticism, though, I'd love to see a little more character detail, as in what people look like. Whenever I picture your characters, they're like Missingno.'s wearing baseball caps with their name on it.

Don't be afraid to set a location and a visual aid so the reader has an idea of what you're talking about.

I'll bump my story to the top to give you an idea.

-Haunt.
 
Hauntastic said:
Getting better, Jran.

as a minor criticism, though, I'd love to see a little more character detail, as in what people look like. Whenever I picture your characters, they're like Missingno.'s wearing baseball caps with their name on it.

Don't be afraid to set a location and a visual aid so the reader has an idea of what you're talking about.

I'll bump my story to the top to give you an idea.

-Haunt.
Click to expand...

Thanks,
These are older parts that I wrote the newer one has alot more detail on where what and who.
Here I will Post Some Profiles soon too.

Back to back posts merged. The following information has been added:

Chap 3
I walk down stairs when it hits me about that voice telling me who I am now and what does it mean by my path? Then it hit me THE GAME! I wonder If I might have done somethign to cause this. Or am I in another world thats not even is the game. I think I am going to play along for awhile and wait and see.

While I didnt know it at the time back in our world thing where a mess.
Lights and Sirens are going off as i Richard am walking close to Jacob's House.
"Whats going on?", I ask Jacob's Mom as I come running up.
"Its Jacob he is not responding.... There is somethign wrong with him." She Said while crying.
"What! Wait, what happen?", I asked.
"I went up to Jacob's Room after Lighting strunk the powerlines and I smelled smoke and I found
Jacob laying on the floor with a helment that was attach to the computer which was on fire and he had the helment on his head and he wouldnt wake up he is breathing but he wont repond or move!", She said with tears in her eyes.
" Can I go up to his room?", I asked.
"Sure" , She said and then walked away crying.
 
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Okay, here's the thing. It's an interesting story but I have one problem that would be pretty much the only thing that would keep me from checking to see if the story has come any farther. I can't stand run on sentences. use commas and periods. If the sentence has two subjects and two verbs, split them down the middle. It's the one grammatical mistake that I can not stand!
 
Profiles.

Name: Jran
Age: 14
Hieght: 6' 2"
Weight: 110lbs
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Eyes: Brown
Clothes: Black Camo Cargo Pants, Black Shirt, Blue Dragon silk-like Jacket,White shoes.

Name: Richy
Height: 6' 4"
Weight: 98 lbs.
Hair: Brown
Eye: Brown
Clothes: Dark Blue Jeans, White T-Shirt, Blue Jacket

When More People come on more profile will come.
 
Chap 4

Richards walks up to Jacob's room and Jacob's Mom comes up too.
"We found him laying here" She said, "on the floor with this helment on lying on the floor beside him,
so I tried to wake him up, but he didnt respond."
"Will he be ok?", Asked Richard.
" The doctors dont know" She replied, " They think he is in some sort of coma like state."
A doctor walks into the room and ask for her to some with them to the hospitle with Jacob
and she follows him out and Richard stays in the room and see's the helment.
"I wonder if he finished the game before what ever happen", he says as he pick up the helment and puts it on.
The screen comes on looking alittle fuzzy and it asks for the pass and Richard Puts in the word "Memorys" in the blank for the password
and thye helment starts to sparks and the screen turns a rainbow color and Richard lets out a yell in terror and pain and he drops to the floor
and the doctor and Jacob's mom comes running up to see what happen.
"Your path has been set and your friend needs your help", Said a Mysteries voice "From now on you are Richy and your past is all you will have of your old world"
 
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