The Little Town of Fotslingham

Discussion in 'Random Topic Center' started by TR Shadow, Aug 11, 2003.

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  1. TR Shadow

    TR Shadow New Member

    This is a little story I wrote when I got really bored. It has nothing to do with Pokemon, but I thought I'd share it anyway (I really hope that's not against the rules or anything =\). Well, here it goes:

    The Little Town of Fotslingham

    Once upon a time in there was a man named Ed Davis. This story is not about him. It's just that there was one once upon a time, so I thought I'd mention it. Anyway, there was also a town called Fotslingham. In the town of Fotslingham, everyone was polite to one another. They all cleaned up after themselves and no one left any messes yet to be cleaned up. It was a beautiful town in which the denizens would plant roses that grew up the sides of their houses. Some of the denizens even planted roses up the sides of other people’s houses just to be nice, as they always were, and always enjoyed being. There were colorful toadstools everywhere, on which the estatic denizens could sit on. The houses were all colored brilliant shades of pink, yellow, or some other color that would make even the saddest passer-bier cheer up a bit. The grass was all freshly mowed and usually stayed that way. No one had ever gone a day without being showered with love by their parents or friends. Come to think of it, no one had ever gone a day without being showered with love by complete strangers that also happened to live in the happy town of Fotslingham. In short, everyone was happy.

    This story is about a little girl of only seven. The little girl’s name was Mary-Beth. She was a pretty little girl who was dressed like every other little girl in Fotslingham: she had a pink, fluffy dress with a large, pink bow tied neatly in her hair. Her hair was fixed into neat, little blond curls and she looked just like the Little Miss Muffet from story books. The only difference between her and Little Miss Muffet is that the person who created this particular character was intelligent enough to give her a real name like Mary-Beth.

    The only thing that was different about Mary-Beth was that she had no friends. This was extremely rare in Fotslingham, as everyone was nice to everyone else and no one felt at all left out. Mary-Beth was simply different. She was a sweet little girl, and there was no reason she shouldn't have any friends. It seems that she just didn't want to make any, but I don't know that for sure.

    One beautiful day, which is not saying much at all about anything, as every day was beautiful in Fotslingham, Mary-Beth went out in search of a friend. This was perfectly unlike her because she normally was happy with the no friends she had. Anyway, Mary-Beth ran off and started searching in the beautiful forest of Fotslingham. Just like the town, the forest was friendly. It was full of colorful flowers and friendly bunnies which could charm anyone. There were no snakes, wildcats, or wolfs in the forest of Fotslingham; only bunnies, small birds, butterflies, deer, flowers, and beautiful trees with flowers growing up the sides of them. Mary-Beth decided to run through the forest in search of a friend.

    As she was going, she came upon a white pony. She walked up close to the pony and found that its leg was trapped in a rose bush. It was struggling and whining in a pathetic high voice.

    “Excuse me,” said Mary-Beth in a little child-like voice.

    “Please help me, little girl,” squeaked the pony.

    Mary-Beth inspected the pony’s tangled leg. “I think I can fix this,” she said to herself. She bit the vine several times. Finally, the vine snapped, freeing the pony. The pony stood up and faced her.

    “Thank you for freeing me, little girl.” said the pony.

    “My name’s not ‘little girl.’” said Mary-Beth. “It’s Mary-Beth. What’s yours?”

    The pony frowned. He had never been asked this question before. “My name is Fluffykins.” He said.

    “Will you be my friend, Fluffykins?” said Mary-Beth in a cheerful voice.

    Fluffykins frowned again. He had never been asked this before either. “Oh, of course I will.” Fluffykins said, a devious smile slowly forming on his friendly face.

    Mary-Beth was overjoyed at the news, so she ran to show her new friend to all the overly happy denizens who lived back at Fotslingham.

    ~*~*~

    About an hour later, Mary-Beth found that she was still wandering around the Fotslingham Forest. She stopped and scratched her head, “I know we went the wrong way,” she said. “We should have gone the other direction.”

    Fluffykins looked around himself. “I think you might be right, Mary-Beth. What shall we do?”

    “Well,” she said. “We’re going to have to turn around from here.”

    Fluffykins nodded and they turned to go the way of which they came. They had not gone far when Mary-Beth got tired and they stopped to rest. She sat down on a log beside a bunny (who was unafraid of humans because there they were all peaceful in Fotslingham). Fluffykins stood on her other side and said nothing.

    “I’m getting a bit hungry,” Mary-Beth said. “We need to eat soon.”

    Fluffykins nodded in agreement, “I think you’re right.” He then ate her.

    The end.

    ~Shadow~
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2003
  2. tia3

    tia3 New Member

    woah! very unexpected ending, to say the least. i have a question to ask: what did the last line mean to the story? i know there must be a good reason to have included it. there were a couple of lines which might be made better by rephrasing them, but on the whole, very interesting...

    btw, IF WE HAD A FICTION FORUM, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN POSTED THERE. ahem. *hint, hint, admins and mods. ;)* post in the thread about the need for a fiction forum. (link in my sig)
     
  3. Seraph

    Seraph New Member

    Not bad TR Shadow. I especially liked the witty humour you put in, like the opening lines "Once upon a time in there was a man named Ed Davis. This story is not about him. It's just that there was one once upon a time, so I thought I'd mention it.". Good stuff... LOL.

    Like tia3, I also wonder where the last line came from. Was it to show that Mary-Beth was too trusting because of how perfect the town of Fotslingham was?

    Matthew :)
     
  4. TR Shadow

    TR Shadow New Member

    What would the story be without the last line? I could change it to "They went back to Fotslingham and lived happily ever after," but I like my other one better ^_^.

    Oh, and Tia3, can you give me examples of lines you think need work? I may need to change them.
     
    Last edited: Aug 13, 2003
  5. tia3

    tia3 New Member

    first off, in most stories, using the same word over and over again would be detrimental to the story, but in most of your story, it's a running theme, and it works. good job there. brings across the feeling of a fairy tale very well.

    one thing i noticed was this set of lines:
    i know what you meant, but the implication is that, first the only difference between her and muffet was the name, then the only difference between her and miss muffet was the fact that she had no friends. maybe you could improve that line by sayin g something like, "The one thing that separated Mary-Beth from the other children was..."

    there is also this set of lines:
    (bold mine)

    although for the most part the repetative use of words works for you, you dont want to repeat sentences in rapid succession. many times, the simplest way of saying something is the best, especially in writing. poetry, for example, shouldnt be cluttered by unnecessary words, and short stories shouldnt be cluttered by unnecessary sentences.

    [EDIT] THIS PARAGRAPH HAS BEEN RECINDED. SEE FOLLOWING TWO POSTS FOR REASON. another line which might be rephrased in a similar way is this:
    the bunny plays no role, and thus shouldnt even be given notice. it confuses readers as they wonder why the bunny was mentioned, and draws away from the main plot.[/EDIT]

    and finally, the end...

    i think that a good moral would be 'not to wander off by yourself' or 'dont talk to strangers.' so it works well. i think that, if that were the moral of your story, it would be perfect. but its not in your best interest to use one-liners simply for their shock-value. you could develop the last couple of lines of the story a little more to make a meaning out of it, then get the shock value you were looking for. example: instead of
    maybe you could have written:

    "I'm getting a bit hungry," Mary-Beth said. "I shouldn't have wandered so far from home."

    Fluffykins nodded in agreement, “I think you’re right.” He then ate her.


    ---

    well, great job on your short story! aside from those few minor things, you did a really good job! :clap: i really hope to see more fiction from you soon.
     
    Last edited: Aug 14, 2003
  6. SnorlaxStampede

    SnorlaxStampede New Member

    The bunny at the end of the story does serve a purpose. the bunny is used to show the reader that the littlen girl is innocent and harmless (like a bunny.) This gives the last line even more shock value.

    Very nice Fic Shadow, a few more people like you and we may earn ourselves a Fic Fourm.
     
  7. tia3

    tia3 New Member

    hmmm... good point, snorlaxstampede. i take that part back. although the mention was a little abrupt, it does serve a purpose in the story. good job. i'll edit my post now.
     

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