The Mysterious Pokemon

[jaws_is_ra]

Our Story is about a Young Man name Chris Trusty

Chris Trusty has always wanted to be a Pokemon Trainer

When Chris was younger he had a dream about a Mysterious Pokemon that very few people had seen

But with School he never got a round to start his Journey


Chapter 1 (The Strange Email and the Golden Pokeball

One day Chris got a strange email from someone he did not know

He opened it up to see what it was all about

(You have alway wanted to be the best Here is your chance in 5 days a Box will come for you
inside will be a golden pokemon inside use this pokemon to find your destiny that you have lost, to find the The Mysterious Pokemon from your past)

Chris sent a replay
(Who are you and how do you know about the mysterious pokemon)

Chris waited for the person to Replay but nothing ever came so Chris waited for 5 days during that time he took the time to study up on battles online and and all the diffirent Strategys people have used in the past

The day came for the box to arrive

When chris open it up just like the email say inside was a golden Pokeball right a way Chris say I chose you

Out came_______

(Find out what Pokemon was inside the Golden Pokeball in the next chapter)

 

[Pikamaster]

Ok... I know I'm far from perfect, but let's give some criticism that should hopefully help you out. First off , it kinda looks like a little kid wrote it. Really, look at the first sentence. "One day Chris got a strange E-mail from someone he didn't know." You didn't actually have the character check his E-mail and see that, we don't see his reaction, all you did was tell us a fact.

The second sentence isn't much better. "He opened it up to see what it was all about." Instead of telling us what he did, you could show us what he did.

Example. Curiosity immediately swept over Chris. Opening the E-mail, he wondered who it was from.

You could have done something like that. Not saying you should have done that, but something that shows us what he did, not you telling us.

There's also horrible punctuation, spelling and grammar. As an example, I'm going to fix up your last sentence, all corrections in bold.

When Chris open it up, it was just like the email saids inside was a golden Pokeball. Right away, Chris said, "I chose you!"

I'm not good enough with my own grammar to tell you how to use it, but those are the mistakes I saw. I'm going to stop now and let someone else take over the correction now, I really don't know enough myself to correct you past what I've done.

 

[espeon1]

looks pretty good. sounds like it will be a good story. i think i know what the golden pokemon is though. is it a special shiny useless fish?