The author would like you all to know that although this story is a satire, it is not inspired by any one event and is meant to be taken at face value. Enjoy!
It was round nine of the Uganda National Championships, and boy, was it tense! Although that nation’s top players, such as Omar al-Bashir and Joseph Kony, secured their spots in the top four by going 8-0, the other three competitors, Nubia Ninetales, Kampala Kakuna, and Bartholomew Rayquaza, were anything but clinchers of the coveted top cut! This year, it was especially important, as the Uganda national champion would be invited to compete in the World Championships, held at the Hilton in lovely Emotopia, Cambodia! So, with all 0-7 records, the three bravely walked up to the pairings post to see who was matched up for the game of a lifetime…
Kampala was shocked to read,
“KAMPALA KAKUNA (0-7, Opp. Win=100%, Opp. Opp.’s Win=0%) VS
NUBIA NINETALES (0-7, Opp. Win=100%, Opp. Opp.’s Win=0%)”
And of course, he was quite distraught, seeing as how Nubia Ninetales’ fire deck has a virtual auto-win against Kampala’s Beedrill Swarm. “What can I do? There is no legitimate way for me to achieve victory in this game, so is it my only option…?” thought poor Kampala. He was a good, legitimate player until a year ago, when he was recruited into the Lord’s Resistance Army. War had made Mr. Kakuna a harsh fellow, tricking him into accepting the most ridiculous-and believable-forms of utilitarianism. Suddenly, though, Nubia came up to him with a warm smile on his face and said,
“Looks like we’re paired up, Kampala! Sorry it had to be this way, but seeing as how Omar and Joseph dominate at high-level competition, it had to come to this.” So the two friends slowly headed to the ominous table two… known in the United States as a cow with a “2” branded on its back. Clearly, these were luxury accommodations at the Uganda Nationals…But anyways, the two players shook hands, wished for a good game, and flipped over their starting Pokemon: Weedle, from Base Set, and Vulipx, from Hidden Legends! Nubia flipped his coin to see who would go first, and Kampala violently shouted “HEADS!!!” the moment it flew into the air. After all was said and done, the coin’s result was indeed heads! Kampala was ecstatic, and knew he would finally top cut nationals as long as he relied on his “only option”: clock manipulation.
The Ugandan rebel fighter knew that there were many ways to win against his opponent on time, but also understood that there might be a chance at winning legitimately. Kampala then proceeded to look at his non-existent discard pile five times, count his opponent’s deck, and the sort…all of the most well-known methods of manipulating the system, and at Uganda’s biggest event of the year, to boot! So for the first minute, Kampala carefully considered the complex board situation, trying to find an effective way to counter Nubia’s inevitable first turn Ninetales ex. After “a while,” it dawned upon him: he can play the Bill trainer card from his hand to draw two cards, and maybe hit a key top deck or two. After carefully reading over what the card did, he played the “Bill” trainer and drew his two cards…but was there any luck for our stalling friend? Of course not! Rather than hit a basic, more draw, or anything of the sort, he hit a useless Double Rainbow energy. “A Double Rainbow at a time like this?!” thought the bombarded young Kampala, so he once again pondered how playing a Double Rainbow Energy on his Weedle would change the situation by turn two. About this time, Nubia found the ridiculous nature of things to be quite ridiculous, so he asked, quite bluntly, “Kampala, are you trying to stall me out of this game?” He then quickly called over the presiding judge, and asked him to monitor the pace of play on both sides.
“All right, please continue,” commanded Judge Jared, and both players were quick to comply. Kampala then went right back to carefully playing his turn, this time trying to decide which energy should be attached to his active Weedle! On one hand, he could attach fire energy, evolve to Dark Charmeleon the following turn, and hopefully score a fast win against his rival, but Dark Charmeleon’s second attack was particularly risky, so he opted not to take that course of action. Out of nowhere, though, Kampala recognized the soft shine of his counterfeit foil Darkness Energy! “Surely if I attach this, I’ll be in a good position next turn with that Charmeleon of mine!” thought little boy Uganda, but, as always, a monkey wrench was carefully clogged into the inner-workings of Kampala’s mind; he now understood that evolving a Weedle into Dark Charmeleon was illegal! Nubia became more impatient with his friend, so he painfully whimpered, “judge…is there anything you can do?”
“No, I simply cannot. His pace of play has not changed throughout the entire game.”
“But that’s my point: he hasn’t had ANY pace the entire game!”
“All right, Nubia. I like you as a player and a person, but these false whistleblower claims are what ruin Pokemon! According to the guidelines of our organization’s golden tablet-commandments, known as the “Spirit of the Game,” written by the omnipotent Mike Schwimmer De Shaw Tajiri, you must be a good sportsman at all times! Are you being one? NO!!!”
“But the Spirit of the Game also says-“
“NO! JUDGE’S FINAL RULING!!! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!!! Now, get back to your game, or else I’ll have to hand out a prize penalty for rushing your opponent!”
“I would like to appeal to the head jud-“
“I AM THE SENATE!”
With that, Nubia just shook his head, swallowed his pride, and dealt with the incorrect call. This was a rather unnerving situation, though, as Nub and Kamp had less than twenty minutes left in the match. However, our good friend suddenly remembered what was in his hand… Lo and behold, while his opening Pokemon was a mere Ascension Vulpix, Nubia also had a Wally’s Training, as well as a Double Rainbow Energy to use against his cunning, fire-weak rival. Unfortunately, board control is the name of the Pokemon game. “I simply cannot believe it! I have the game WON, and he is taking his mercilessly sweet time, ‘contemplating’ each and every one of his moves. Is it so complicated to just pass and give me my rightful victory?!” thought the beleaguered young man, but with the judges all against him, what was a fire deck wielder to do?
Meanwhile, Kampala was still thinking out his “game-winning” move. Both of the players then simultaneously looked at the countdown clock, and were affected considerably by the numbers on it: “9:59.99.” Neither player could easily accept the fact that twenty minutes had elapsed throughout Mr. Kakuna’s seemingly senseless plays, until the judge reassured them, as well as the entire five-person tournament, of it, by announcing that there were, “Less than ten minutes remaining!!!” Once this startling revelation was revealed, the individuals felt a sudden mix of emotions. Kampala eagerly and impatiently anticipated the final countdown, whilst Nubia felt extreme anxiety due to the seemingly hopeless position he was in…Yes, with most of the round’s time shamefully burnt by a most ridiculous case of slow play, the two former friends were ready to continue a most intense war of attrition.
Out of nowhere, another young man in his teens walked through the doors of the hut, and was considerably confused by the scene of people playing Pokemon cards on a cow’s back. However, he shook his head, and realized that this was the norm for his goofy pals, Nubia and Kampala. “Hey guys!” shouted this new face, to which only Kampala replied. “Hey Nelson…what’s up, buddy?” “Oh, hardly anything at all” replied Nelson, but with a twitch in his eye, and multiple veins popping out of his arms, the intensity of Nubia was greater than any Tauros! “Shut your mouths, NOW! We are in the middle of a GAME, so finish your turn!!!”
“Oh, come on, Kampala. Am I going to have to call you on Spirit of the Game for that one?” With the mere utterance of that now-forbidden phrase, the fires of **** were unleashed on humble table two…”HOW DARE YOU STALL AGAINST ME, YOUR BEST FRIEND, IN A GAME OF POKEMON!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF OUR GAME…JUDGE!!!”
“Eh, I’ll allow it,” said the passive judge.
“What? Are you really going to ‘allow it’?”
“Excuse me, but I am the head judge. So…I’ll allow it!”
Poor, poor Nubia Ninetales’ luck was still not with him, until Kampala’s cellular phone (circa 1988) rang. Omar, who had been killing his opponent several hundred thousands of times over at table one, responded with a semi-automatic Pokeflute aimed right at Kampala’s head! “I’ll teach you a thing or two about thinking you’re an invisible child!” declared the Pokemon dictator, but as soon as he finished that sentence, the Uganda National Championship’s Tournament Organizer, Barracks Amabo, banned him from the event, and immediately sent an E-mail to Pokemon Organized Play. However, Nubia still had an issue with the cell phone being on, so with this opportunity, he complained to Barracks. “Mr. PTO, please tell your head judge to at least give this fellow a warning!” Amabo nonchalantly responded with, “Meh, he’s the head judge. I chose him, so deal with it.”
Despite a player being escorted away from the tournament location due to wielding an illegal semi-automatic Poke-flute, Kampala was still able to get away with his ridiculous stalling! Eventually, Nubia had enough, tipped the cow-table over, and began shouting at the top of his lungs, “THIS IS UNFAIR! I AM GOING TO SEND AN E-MAIL TO POKEMON USA IMMEDIATELY!!!” So he stood up, tore down the hay facility they were in, and used a guillotine attack of his own to knock out the entire tournament staff. However, that accursed timer had three minutes left on it, so he sat down on the grass, helped Kampala repair the game state, and continued the epic, tied match.
At last, Kampala did something different! He painfully announced a most unusual sequence of moves, “I Rare Candy my Weedle into a Beedrill, and attach…ummm…Double Rainbow Energy!” Before Nubia had a chance to wonder why he waited twenty-seven minutes for a very simple play, however, what Kampala did next surprised the remaining three people at the event. “I Professor Oak, discard my hand, and draw seven cards! Oh boy, and lucky me: I play Squirtle to the bench, and Rare Candy it into Blastoise! Rain Dance to my Beedrill, breaking the one-energy-per-turn rule, and Pin Missile!!!”
What a sudden turn of events! Rather than stall Nubia out, Kampala made a very bizarre move, a bit luck-dependant, but was ready to flip four coins to see if he would knock out poor little Vulpix on the first (thirty minute) turn of the game! With much anticipation, Kampy flipped his coins, and…
“HEADS!”
“HEADS!”
“HEADS!”
“HEADS!”
Kampala had scored his much-desired win, and dumbfounded, Nubia angrily asked his new enemy, “Why in the name of Uganda did you wait THAT long to do that?”
Grinning oh-so feverishly, all the freedom fighter said was,
“Well, ‘buddy,’ it looks like you just got slow rolled.”
It was round nine of the Uganda National Championships, and boy, was it tense! Although that nation’s top players, such as Omar al-Bashir and Joseph Kony, secured their spots in the top four by going 8-0, the other three competitors, Nubia Ninetales, Kampala Kakuna, and Bartholomew Rayquaza, were anything but clinchers of the coveted top cut! This year, it was especially important, as the Uganda national champion would be invited to compete in the World Championships, held at the Hilton in lovely Emotopia, Cambodia! So, with all 0-7 records, the three bravely walked up to the pairings post to see who was matched up for the game of a lifetime…
Kampala was shocked to read,
“KAMPALA KAKUNA (0-7, Opp. Win=100%, Opp. Opp.’s Win=0%) VS
NUBIA NINETALES (0-7, Opp. Win=100%, Opp. Opp.’s Win=0%)”
And of course, he was quite distraught, seeing as how Nubia Ninetales’ fire deck has a virtual auto-win against Kampala’s Beedrill Swarm. “What can I do? There is no legitimate way for me to achieve victory in this game, so is it my only option…?” thought poor Kampala. He was a good, legitimate player until a year ago, when he was recruited into the Lord’s Resistance Army. War had made Mr. Kakuna a harsh fellow, tricking him into accepting the most ridiculous-and believable-forms of utilitarianism. Suddenly, though, Nubia came up to him with a warm smile on his face and said,
“Looks like we’re paired up, Kampala! Sorry it had to be this way, but seeing as how Omar and Joseph dominate at high-level competition, it had to come to this.” So the two friends slowly headed to the ominous table two… known in the United States as a cow with a “2” branded on its back. Clearly, these were luxury accommodations at the Uganda Nationals…But anyways, the two players shook hands, wished for a good game, and flipped over their starting Pokemon: Weedle, from Base Set, and Vulipx, from Hidden Legends! Nubia flipped his coin to see who would go first, and Kampala violently shouted “HEADS!!!” the moment it flew into the air. After all was said and done, the coin’s result was indeed heads! Kampala was ecstatic, and knew he would finally top cut nationals as long as he relied on his “only option”: clock manipulation.
The Ugandan rebel fighter knew that there were many ways to win against his opponent on time, but also understood that there might be a chance at winning legitimately. Kampala then proceeded to look at his non-existent discard pile five times, count his opponent’s deck, and the sort…all of the most well-known methods of manipulating the system, and at Uganda’s biggest event of the year, to boot! So for the first minute, Kampala carefully considered the complex board situation, trying to find an effective way to counter Nubia’s inevitable first turn Ninetales ex. After “a while,” it dawned upon him: he can play the Bill trainer card from his hand to draw two cards, and maybe hit a key top deck or two. After carefully reading over what the card did, he played the “Bill” trainer and drew his two cards…but was there any luck for our stalling friend? Of course not! Rather than hit a basic, more draw, or anything of the sort, he hit a useless Double Rainbow energy. “A Double Rainbow at a time like this?!” thought the bombarded young Kampala, so he once again pondered how playing a Double Rainbow Energy on his Weedle would change the situation by turn two. About this time, Nubia found the ridiculous nature of things to be quite ridiculous, so he asked, quite bluntly, “Kampala, are you trying to stall me out of this game?” He then quickly called over the presiding judge, and asked him to monitor the pace of play on both sides.
“All right, please continue,” commanded Judge Jared, and both players were quick to comply. Kampala then went right back to carefully playing his turn, this time trying to decide which energy should be attached to his active Weedle! On one hand, he could attach fire energy, evolve to Dark Charmeleon the following turn, and hopefully score a fast win against his rival, but Dark Charmeleon’s second attack was particularly risky, so he opted not to take that course of action. Out of nowhere, though, Kampala recognized the soft shine of his counterfeit foil Darkness Energy! “Surely if I attach this, I’ll be in a good position next turn with that Charmeleon of mine!” thought little boy Uganda, but, as always, a monkey wrench was carefully clogged into the inner-workings of Kampala’s mind; he now understood that evolving a Weedle into Dark Charmeleon was illegal! Nubia became more impatient with his friend, so he painfully whimpered, “judge…is there anything you can do?”
“No, I simply cannot. His pace of play has not changed throughout the entire game.”
“But that’s my point: he hasn’t had ANY pace the entire game!”
“All right, Nubia. I like you as a player and a person, but these false whistleblower claims are what ruin Pokemon! According to the guidelines of our organization’s golden tablet-commandments, known as the “Spirit of the Game,” written by the omnipotent Mike Schwimmer De Shaw Tajiri, you must be a good sportsman at all times! Are you being one? NO!!!”
“But the Spirit of the Game also says-“
“NO! JUDGE’S FINAL RULING!!! I DO NOT WANT TO HEAR IT!!! Now, get back to your game, or else I’ll have to hand out a prize penalty for rushing your opponent!”
“I would like to appeal to the head jud-“
“I AM THE SENATE!”
With that, Nubia just shook his head, swallowed his pride, and dealt with the incorrect call. This was a rather unnerving situation, though, as Nub and Kamp had less than twenty minutes left in the match. However, our good friend suddenly remembered what was in his hand… Lo and behold, while his opening Pokemon was a mere Ascension Vulpix, Nubia also had a Wally’s Training, as well as a Double Rainbow Energy to use against his cunning, fire-weak rival. Unfortunately, board control is the name of the Pokemon game. “I simply cannot believe it! I have the game WON, and he is taking his mercilessly sweet time, ‘contemplating’ each and every one of his moves. Is it so complicated to just pass and give me my rightful victory?!” thought the beleaguered young man, but with the judges all against him, what was a fire deck wielder to do?
Meanwhile, Kampala was still thinking out his “game-winning” move. Both of the players then simultaneously looked at the countdown clock, and were affected considerably by the numbers on it: “9:59.99.” Neither player could easily accept the fact that twenty minutes had elapsed throughout Mr. Kakuna’s seemingly senseless plays, until the judge reassured them, as well as the entire five-person tournament, of it, by announcing that there were, “Less than ten minutes remaining!!!” Once this startling revelation was revealed, the individuals felt a sudden mix of emotions. Kampala eagerly and impatiently anticipated the final countdown, whilst Nubia felt extreme anxiety due to the seemingly hopeless position he was in…Yes, with most of the round’s time shamefully burnt by a most ridiculous case of slow play, the two former friends were ready to continue a most intense war of attrition.
Out of nowhere, another young man in his teens walked through the doors of the hut, and was considerably confused by the scene of people playing Pokemon cards on a cow’s back. However, he shook his head, and realized that this was the norm for his goofy pals, Nubia and Kampala. “Hey guys!” shouted this new face, to which only Kampala replied. “Hey Nelson…what’s up, buddy?” “Oh, hardly anything at all” replied Nelson, but with a twitch in his eye, and multiple veins popping out of his arms, the intensity of Nubia was greater than any Tauros! “Shut your mouths, NOW! We are in the middle of a GAME, so finish your turn!!!”
“Oh, come on, Kampala. Am I going to have to call you on Spirit of the Game for that one?” With the mere utterance of that now-forbidden phrase, the fires of **** were unleashed on humble table two…”HOW DARE YOU STALL AGAINST ME, YOUR BEST FRIEND, IN A GAME OF POKEMON!!! NOW IS NOT THE TIME TO SPEAK TO PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF OUR GAME…JUDGE!!!”
“Eh, I’ll allow it,” said the passive judge.
“What? Are you really going to ‘allow it’?”
“Excuse me, but I am the head judge. So…I’ll allow it!”
Poor, poor Nubia Ninetales’ luck was still not with him, until Kampala’s cellular phone (circa 1988) rang. Omar, who had been killing his opponent several hundred thousands of times over at table one, responded with a semi-automatic Pokeflute aimed right at Kampala’s head! “I’ll teach you a thing or two about thinking you’re an invisible child!” declared the Pokemon dictator, but as soon as he finished that sentence, the Uganda National Championship’s Tournament Organizer, Barracks Amabo, banned him from the event, and immediately sent an E-mail to Pokemon Organized Play. However, Nubia still had an issue with the cell phone being on, so with this opportunity, he complained to Barracks. “Mr. PTO, please tell your head judge to at least give this fellow a warning!” Amabo nonchalantly responded with, “Meh, he’s the head judge. I chose him, so deal with it.”
Despite a player being escorted away from the tournament location due to wielding an illegal semi-automatic Poke-flute, Kampala was still able to get away with his ridiculous stalling! Eventually, Nubia had enough, tipped the cow-table over, and began shouting at the top of his lungs, “THIS IS UNFAIR! I AM GOING TO SEND AN E-MAIL TO POKEMON USA IMMEDIATELY!!!” So he stood up, tore down the hay facility they were in, and used a guillotine attack of his own to knock out the entire tournament staff. However, that accursed timer had three minutes left on it, so he sat down on the grass, helped Kampala repair the game state, and continued the epic, tied match.
At last, Kampala did something different! He painfully announced a most unusual sequence of moves, “I Rare Candy my Weedle into a Beedrill, and attach…ummm…Double Rainbow Energy!” Before Nubia had a chance to wonder why he waited twenty-seven minutes for a very simple play, however, what Kampala did next surprised the remaining three people at the event. “I Professor Oak, discard my hand, and draw seven cards! Oh boy, and lucky me: I play Squirtle to the bench, and Rare Candy it into Blastoise! Rain Dance to my Beedrill, breaking the one-energy-per-turn rule, and Pin Missile!!!”
What a sudden turn of events! Rather than stall Nubia out, Kampala made a very bizarre move, a bit luck-dependant, but was ready to flip four coins to see if he would knock out poor little Vulpix on the first (thirty minute) turn of the game! With much anticipation, Kampy flipped his coins, and…
“HEADS!”
“HEADS!”
“HEADS!”
“HEADS!”
Kampala had scored his much-desired win, and dumbfounded, Nubia angrily asked his new enemy, “Why in the name of Uganda did you wait THAT long to do that?”
Grinning oh-so feverishly, all the freedom fighter said was,
“Well, ‘buddy,’ it looks like you just got slow rolled.”