View Full Version : Coffee Break
08/28/2003, 06:59 PM
Anybody got any jokes or riddles that they can sure with me? Because we can use a few laughs to relax ourselves.
08/28/2003, 09:58 PM
"Where can no Pokemon Trainer ever win?"
Tie-land :lol: :clap: :lol: :clap:
08/29/2003, 10:26 AM
Q: Why couldn't the blonde make Jello?
A: Because she couldn't fit the two liters of water into that small package.
08/29/2003, 10:35 AM
Q: Why did the Pokemon go to the doctor?
A: It was feeling down in the Meowth.
08/29/2003, 11:06 AM
Quoth: "I've got nuthin"
Q: Why was the Blond constantly staring at the juice box?
A: cuz it said "Concentrate"
08/29/2003, 09:09 PM
Q. How many Groudons does it take to screw on a light bulb?
A. None because around them the sunlight is on aways. Ha Ha HA hA
08/30/2003, 11:19 AM
It was so cold last winter...
(How cold was it?)
...I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
08/30/2003, 11:35 AM
Speaking of lawyer jokes:
Q: What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A: A good start.
08/30/2003, 06:39 PM
Q: How many Americans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"That's it, we're sueing!"
Q: How many pink and fluffy Pikachus does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Zero! One to fly and twenty-six to play kazoos!
No, I do not know where that came from.
Ne1 gotz NE mor?i needz mor jokez!!!111!11!1!!!!!!11!
08/30/2003, 06:50 PM
Hey... I'm blonde -_- ;)
Nobody's gone the redneck route, sooooo...some of my favorites-
"Y'all might be a redneck if you've ever stared at a hole in the ceiling while saying 'I told ya it was loaded'"
"You might be a redneck if your family has a set of salad bowls with Cool Whip written on the side"
"You might be a redneck if you play the grunt call in your school band"
AND... "You might be a redneck if your grandma's ever hung her head out the window while yelling, 'Y'all better come look at this 'fore I flush!'" XD That one's kinda sick, but funny. ^_^
There's a lot more, but I can't remember off the top of my head. ;) America wouldn't be the same without Jeff Foxworthy...
this is a good one i got from my Guitar teacher:
Q: How many guitarists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: FIVE! One to screw it in, and the other 4 to say "I can do that"
08/31/2003, 10:06 AM
A traffic cop was on patrol when he saw a car swerving wildly. Thinking the driver was drunk, he pulled him over. Surprisingly, a breathalyzer test showed that the man was completely sober. Puzzled, the cop asked, "Why were you swerving like that?"
The man answered, "There was a truck in front of me. A box of upholstery tacks fell out and scattered all over the road. I was trying to avoid them."
"OK, so I can't get you for DUI or reckless driving, but I'm still taking you in."
08/31/2003, 10:52 AM
There is a magical mirror that, if you tell it the truth, you will be rewarded beyond your dreams. But if you lie, it zaps you with a bolt of lightning and kills you.
A brunette walks up to it and says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on earth." *ZAP!*
A redhead walks up to it and says, "I think I am the most beautiful woman on earth." *ZAP!*
A blonde walks up to it and says, "I think—" *ZAP!*
08/31/2003, 03:01 PM
Redneck Application Part 1:
What is your name? Check one:
08/31/2003, 04:13 PM
Jim: What's up with you?
Bob: Nuthin. How 'bout you?
08/31/2003, 05:00 PM
Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman and Paddy Scotsman were stranded on a desert island when one of them came accross a rusty old lamp. They rubbed it and, lo and behold, a genie emerged from the spout.
"Since there are three of you, I'll grant you each one wish," it declared.
Paddy Englishman thought for a while, and then said, "Well, I'm getting bad sunburn here, so I wish I was back in London with my family." With a puff of smoke, he was gone.
Paddy Scotsman said, "There's no food to eat here, so I wish I was back in Glasgow with my family." Another puff, and Paddy Irishman was alone. The genie turned to him.
"Well," Paddy Irishman said, kicking the sand, "It's kind of lonely here, so I wish my two mates were here with me."
Since I'm not American, I can't resist but include one for you guys :)
Three doctors were out playing golf one day and were bragging about their most famous achievements. "Several years ago," boasted the first, "I had a patient who had the fingers of both hands sliced off in a car accident. I reattached them, and, last year, he played the piano at the Queen of Englands birthday party."
"That's nothing," scoffed the second. "I once operated on a man who lost his right leg at the hip. After thirty hours in the theatre, I fixed him up, and it was he that scored the winning goal in the World Cup Finals two years ago."
"You're both Amateurs," said the third golfer. "Several years ago, I was called to operate on a man in Texas. He had been riding his horse when the creature startled, ran off a cliff and landed on a railroad track two hundred feet below right before a train passed that way. All that was left was the horse's rear end and a cowboy hat. That man is now President of the United States."
08/31/2003, 05:05 PM
This one's more of a short story than a joke.
How Scott Saved the World
Mrs. Geltman placed eight cans of vegetables into her shopping cart. That was the last item on her list. She went to check out. She placed all the items onto the belt. “Hello. How are you today?” Krystal the checker asked.
“I’m all right,” Mrs. Geltman answered. “But I’m in a bit of a hurry.”
Krystal proceeded to scan all of the items on the belt. Scott, the sacker, opened up a plastic sack and started loading items into it. He placed a full sack into Mrs. Geltman’s shopping cart. Then another. And another. And another. Lastly, he put all of her canned vegetables into a bag and placed it into her cart. Mrs. Geltman paid for her groceries and left for home.
She arrived at the parking lot of her apartment complex. She opened up the trunk of her car, and immediately regretted choosing a third floor apartment. She grabbed as many of the plastic bags as she could, and headed for the stairway. She clutched tightly to the handles and started her way up. She made it up to the second floor, and then the third floor. Having gone all this way, she decided that she needed a break, so she leaned on the railing. Her bags were hanging over open air.
Suddenly, the bottom of the bag containing the canned vegetables gave way! They dropped at high speed, and, unfortunately, struck a first floor resident, Mr. Hefter, on the head. He fell to the ground, and blood met pavement.
An ambulance arrived ten minutes later, and brought him to Patterson Memorial Hospital, where he was pronounced dead. His widow, Mrs. Hefter, wept when she heard the news. She went home and called all her friends and relatives and told them the bad news. Mr. Hefter had a decent funeral, and all of his friends and family were there.
One month later, Mrs. Hefter was feeling lonely, and decided to cheer herself up by volunteering at the retirement center. That always cheers her up. She was good friends with a lot of the senior citizens there.
When she arrived, she headed for Mrs. Rotmeyer’s room. They chatted for an hour or so, and then it was time for Mrs. Hefter to work on preparing food for everyone. After everyone was done eating, she went to visit with Mr. Weltman. She went into his room, only to find him sleeping. She was about to leave when she noticed something. Mr. Weltman wasn’t breathing. She went and called for a nurse.
Mr. Weltman’s son, Ron Weltman, couldn’t handle the news. He figured the only thing he could do was wash away his woes at the bar. He drank, and drank some more, and drank some more, and drank some more, and drank until the bartender said, “Sir, I think you’ve had enough. I’d better call a cab.”
“Nah…” Ron replied. “I’ll be feh-fine.” Ron staggered out to his car, managed to put the key in the ignition, and started driving home. After driving for about five minutes, Ron was surprised by a sudden bump in the road. “Hey… that wasn’t there befo-fore…” he said. He had no idea that he had hit someone and run him over. He drove home.
An ambulance arrived fifteen minutes later, and pronounced him dead at the scene. They brought him to Patterson Memorial Hopsital, where a nurse attempted to ID him. She located his wallet. “My God…” she exclaimed. “It’s the President’s son!” After doing a background check, all skepticism was left behind. He was indeed the President’s son.
It was all over the news the next day. The President’s son was in a hit-and-run accident. No suspects yet. The President kept himself in the Oval Office. He tried to keep himself from crying, but eventually broke down. He sobbed loudly and pounded his desk. Suddenly, the room flashed red as an alarm sounded. The President looked up, teary eyed, and saw that he had accidentally pressed a button. A button labeled “FIRE”. Minutes later, a missile exploded in a remote area of Russia.
The Russian President picked up his phone and dialed up the military. A missile exploded in the middle of the US. NATO brought up its old “An attack on one is an attack on all” allegiance, and fired their missiles. Soon, every nation in the world that could was firing missiles. The world exploded.
“HEY! QUIT DAYDREAMING AND SACK THOSE GROCERIES! I’M IN A HURRY!” Scott shook his head and remembered where he was. He looked down, and saw that all he had left to sack were the canned vegetables. He put the cans in a paper bag.
08/31/2003, 06:53 PM
An American hockey fan, a Swedish hockey fan, and a Canadian hockey fan were enjoying a smuggled crate of beer in Saudi Arabia when suddenly, the Saudi police came in and busted them! The possession of alcohol was bad enough, but for actually consuming it, they were sentenced to death!
However, after many months and with the help of some very good lawyers, they were able to get their sentence down to life in prison.
As luck would have it, it was a Saudi national holiday on the day of their sentencing, and the extremely benevolent Sheik decided that they could be released after just twenty lashes each of the whip.
"It is my first wife's birthday today," The Sheik said, "and she has asked me to allow you each one wish before your lashing."
The Swede was first (he had finished a half-can), and he thought about it for a while before saying, "Please tie a pillow to my back." The pillow only lasted ten lashings before being worn through, and the Swede was sent crying in pain.
The American was next (he'd finished a can), and he said, "Please tie two pillows to my back." The pillows only lasted fifteen lashings, though, and the American was sent crying.
The Canadian was up next (he'd finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheik suddenly turned to him.
"You are the most loyal hockey fans in the world," he said, "and you support the bravest and noblest teams. For this, I will allow you two wishes."
The Canadian thought for a while and said, "Okay, your highness. My first wish is that you will give me not twenty, but a hundred lashings."
"In addition to being brave and noble, you are also a very powerful and self-sacrificing man," the Sheik said in awe. "And what is your second wish?"
"Tie the American fan to my back."
08/31/2003, 07:44 PM
Dunjohn, I love your Gorege W. Bush joke as I am from California, and California(gereraly)hates Bush.
Also dkates, please don't put up racial jokes as I am jewish and found it offencive
08/31/2003, 07:47 PM
My apologies, treecko. Actually, I'm also Jewish. Still, I will remove that post.
09/01/2003, 07:59 PM
He sobbed loudly and pounded his deck.
Was he playing with Pokémon cards?
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