View Full Version : Adventures of Cylus
08/26/2004, 08:02 PM
This is my first shot at a fan fiction, so I'd like any feedback possible. I'm writing this as I go, so the plot isn't completely formed. BTW, Cylus a.k.a. "I", is female.
The Elix forest was quiet and-as usual-dark. I closed my eyes, momentarily disoriented.
"Stupid forest," my body swayed, "much longer in this place and I'll go blin--that scent....smoke!?"
I could hear the crackle of flames now, and see the dim glow of fire. But a voice of something near by was the most chilling. "Little, little trainer. You have something I want, a certain Charmander. Hand it over, and no one-except maybe you-will get a little beat around,"it was a young boy. My body braced for any sign of movement, "They're here somewhere," I thought, seeing a rustle in the shadows,"but where?"
I was in trouble. Char couldn't help me now, and the fire was quickly eating at the forest debris. I looked around, and remembered on the map that a pond was supposed to be around here. I saw a glint , of what I assumed was water, and ran toward the spot. "My luck," I smiled a bit, as I fell in with a faint splash, "safe from the fire , but not from that trainer." I pushed the wet hair out of my eyes and face, trying to supress my breath so I couldn't be found. "Char, Rai and Eon...which one could stop this guy?" I thought as my eyes darted from one pokeball to another.
His haunting laugh filled the forest air, and dimly illuminated, I saw him. Directly in front of me. "Found ya'." He was tall, with mauve-colored hair. A ripple beneath his feet....was he floating on water?
I couldn't wait any longer, "go Eon!" My Espeon landed on a tree branch, baring its tiny fangs. Without my command, it used Psywave at my attacker. "You won't beat me so simply Cylus," he said, and with a strange wave of his hand, deflected the attack with un-practiced ease.
"W-who are you?" I shouted, fear obviously detectable in my shaking voice, "how do you know my name?" Eon attacked again.
A chill flew up my spine, making the hair on the back of my neck *****le. I knew him, but from where?
"You really don't remember me, Cylus? It hasn't been that long," a sneer played across his lips, and he paused for a moment. "Does the name 'Mort' ring a bell?"
Okay, well that's all for now. I'll write more if you want, depending on your opinions. If everyone hates it (which I dearly hope not) then I'll delete. Tell me what you think. Thanks for reading.
08/28/2004, 07:00 AM
Mort as in... Morty? THE GYM LEADER!? AH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
08/28/2004, 02:16 PM
Sorry to put a damper on that, but Morty doesn't have mauve colored hair, unless he dyed it. And in my opinion, his hair was cool enough to begin with.
08/29/2004, 11:40 PM
"The Elix forest was quiet and-as usual-dark"
people's colors are a bit darker (and possibly mauve) when its dark out.
08/30/2004, 03:51 PM
Good point, but it isn't him. He might appear though. Sorry 'bout that. I'll start Wednesday. Today is my birthday and tomorrow I have a 2 hour tennis workout, but I've got an idea I'm gonna' work on. It should form soon.
Ancient Pokemon Trainer
08/31/2004, 11:40 PM
Wow the showdown Espeon V.S. Mort.It's okay much better then mine obviously good start this could leave to a good story.
09/01/2004, 12:12 AM
Push for more describtion in the story. I want to know why Cylus is in this forest and how this other trainer came about. Also try to put more in by stretching this climatic scene as much as you can, because the action came way too early in the story. Other than that it looks like you might have something in the works
09/01/2004, 03:18 PM
Had I heard him right? Could this boy be my best friend, or was this a lie? I didn't know what to say. Tears of anger and confusion filled my eyes, and I tried to shake off the dizzy, blinding rage that was building within my chest. He sneered again, "Come on Cylus, what's the matter? Is it really that shocking to see me again? You're just the little ignorant trainer I've known you to be." The boy supposedly named Mort grasped a Pokeball around his waist, plucked it off, and sent it flying into the air. And in a deep, cold, emotionless voice he spoke, "Well now you shall pay for your ignorance."
Mort. My best friend who I'd known for years...was now betraying me, and I knew it. There was no hiding the fact it was him, and no point in running from it. All the memories I held of the boy came flooding back into my head, as if a dam holding away painful thoughts gave-way and I was its path.
I remembered him chosing Bulbasaur and I picking the Charmander. I remember us battling trainers in Kanto and Hoenn. The smile on his face when we survived a challenging experience, and were heading to a new Gym or town. I recalled our parting day:
"So, we've finished our training in Hoenn. We should return to Kanto for a little," I said, walking back to Littleroot town. "I don't want to leave Cylus. I've still got to get stronger." He said, not looking me in the eye. "What? But you're stronger that I am Mort, why would you want to stay?" I asked, surprised.
The sunlight touched his face, and I realized if he wanted to stay, then that was his own business. Mort realized that, and just nodded. "I promise to come back to Kanto, okay? Just give me four years, that's all I want," he said, and held out a hand. I knew four years wasn't as long as it seemed, and I had my own training to do. If he really wanted to, I'd let him. I had no right to hold him down. "Sure," I said, returning the hand, "but if you don't come back in four years, boy will you be sorry Mort."
I left a day afterward, and returned to Johto, instead of going to Kanto as I originally planned. The Elix forest was a place I'd went, directly after our seperating, and returned for our anniversary of seperating, which was two days from then. I had also been planning to go see Professer Elm, and cross into Kanto that way, but it could wait.
The smoke and flames were thicker now, and I was having trouble breathing. Mort seemed to pay no attention.
The Pokemon revealed was an Venusaur. I hadn't expected anything less. I stood, waiting for him to attack Eon. "Vine Whip!" he cried. I watched the long, green vines unravel from the Pokemon's flower and timed for the moment to have Eon dodge. But it wasn't Eon he was after. It was me. The vines lashed at me, and I let them grasp my arms and legs. I didn't have the strength to resist.
"Eon! Use Quick Attack!" I yelled, trying to reach for my Charmander's Pokeball. Eon tackled the giant green monster, but to no avail. "Just give up Cylus. If my Venusaur doesn't finish you, the fire will," he laughed coldly. I said nothing, only able to glare defiantly.
"What's going on here?!"
Mort looked around. "This doesn't seem like a fair match to me, buddy," the voice said again.
A few feet away, a boy stood strangely in the middle of the fire. "Look, boy, if you don't leave now, I'll have to exteriminate you too," Mort said, not shaken.
"Hydro Pump!" A blast of water shot Mort, knocking him down.
The mysterious boy took no heed, and extenguished the fire.
"I told you to leave already!" Mort cried, launching another Pokeball into the air. It was an Umbreon. I knew that one too. "Feint attack Era!" The yellow and black Pokemon charged at the boy.
How do you like it? I'm not sure what to do exactly, but this isn't the last confrontation between Mort and Cylus. I'm actually expecting a sequel. Tell me what you think, and thanks for reading!
Ancient Pokemon Trainer
09/01/2004, 07:42 PM
Pretty good but not enough explanation.Everything is happening at once.A boy suddenly appearing?Plus it follows regular story lines.One bad guy has powers attacks a person another person always good saves day.But overall pretty good.Besideds it's your first time.I wish I was as good as you...
09/02/2004, 05:20 AM
You're probably better than me. I know the storyline is normal, but I've got something coming up that should change it a bit. Sorry about the timing, I've always been really bad at that ;-;. I want to work on it weekly, so now I'll be working on an idea. I've got some parts, that would easily lead to a sequel, but that would come at the end and the story has no real pulp yet. Thanks for the kinds words, but I'm really not that good (Compare me to Myst.). Well, please stay tuned, I'm hoping it'll get betters!
09/02/2004, 06:27 AM
Expand a little. I'm looking forward to the next one.
09/02/2004, 02:28 PM
Yes, I was inspired during school for a new plot turn. The boy, now known as "Brad"...I never said he was a good guy did I, Ancient Pokemon Trainer? *evil grin*
Ancient Pokemon Trainer
09/02/2004, 07:23 PM
Spicy...But anyways wether he is good or bad make him a big part in the story.If you don't what's the point he comes say he's bad alright fight says something has power over then gets stopped.If he's good helps out knocked out form U,breon or somthin.Puting something like suddenly in and then goes away real early it just doesn't make any sence.He seems to be a big part of the story.
09/02/2004, 07:46 PM
I knew I wasn't totally bland. I've got a trick up my sleeve, just waiting for a few more replies. I might even post this weekend if you want. I guess that means you like it then, huh, guys? *evil grin in a non-evil way*
Ancient Pokemon Trainer
09/02/2004, 11:46 PM
OOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!I LIKE IT THE MOST!I LIKE EVERYBODY'S THE MOST!!!!!!I CAN BE A PSYCHO WHENEVER I WANT!!HAHAHAAHAHHAHAHAHA!FEAR ME!!@##$$%^^&**())_++|$$$$$$$$$$342563256452o-O
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