Into the Shadows

Discussion in 'Pokemon Fan Fiction' started by CyberManectric, Jul 20, 2008.

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  1. CyberManectric

    CyberManectric Active Member


    This is a story about 2 brohter's who struggle to live out in the Sinnoh Region's Survival Area. The two of them often wonder why they're parents had never came back from an expedition at Stark Mountain, but when they stumble deeper into the mystery they get a lot more when they bargained for. Not only must they protect the Magma Stone and Heatran, but they must also master a new Pokemon Battling Mechanic. Get ready for an intense story with unforgettable characters.

    Chapter 1: Treasure Hunting​

    Fearows could be heard squawking in the distance, announcing the arrival of a new day. Maverick woke up at the first squawk he heard. He crawled out of his sleeping bag on the bedroom floor that he shared with his brother Trevor, who had already woken up and left. Maverick and Trevor lived by themselves in the Sinnoh region. Their house was built by their father nearly 17 years ago somewhere between the Survival Area and Stark Mountain. Out there, it was survival of the fittest.

    Maverick was only ten years old while his brother Trevor was fifthteen. They had lost their parents when Stark Mountain erupted and they never seen or heard from them again. Trevor at the time decided he’d take care of both of them with the help of his Charmander. It wasn’t easy for the two boys to live on their own, but they had managed.

    Slowly, Maverick forced himself up and toward the bathroom. He glanced at himself in the mirror. His dirt blonde fair hair was messed up from all the tossing and turning from the night’s sleep. His blue eyes still showed tiredness, the scar on his right cheek reminded him of when a wild Scyther attacked him, and his freckles made him feel like he looked like a Spinda then a kid.

    He brushed his teeth and combed his hair then headed into the kitchen to have breakfast. Trevor was already there with his Charmeleon. Charmeleon was often seen helping him cook the food since the electricity in the house stopped working last year. Today Trevor was making eggs that were laid from a Chansey. Charmeleon’s tail was used as a heat source while Trevor cooked two over medium eggs for himself while whistling.

    “Good morning bro,” yawned Maverick. He was still a little tired from last night’s events.

    “Hey Mav. Scrambled eggs and toast are on the table. Only water to drink today though,” said Trevor. Maverick sat down and started eating his breakfast. Soon Trevor joined him and recalled his Charmeleon into it’s pokeball. Trevor was wearing a worn out pokeball cap backwards that covered most of his brown hair. Like Maverick, he also had blue eyes and a scar on that ran diagonally on his neck from the same Scyther when he tried to defend his brother. Trevor was also strong for his age, often climbing Stark Mountain and shoving boulders around to look for lost items that would help him and his brother.

    “What are we doing today,” wondered Maverick?

    “Well…” Trevor took a bite of his eggs and thought for a moment. “I heard that the Tower Tycoon is coming to the Survival Area to give a training demonstration. I want to go down there and see.”

    “Can I go with you?”

    “No, you’ll just misbehave like you always do and cause trouble again. Remember the Voltorb incident last week?” Maverick had found a Voltorb he had thought to be wild when it actually belonged to a trainer. When he picked it up and tried to take it with him, it Self-destructed in a pokemart, thus damaging one of the aisles and the merchandise.

    “OK, so them what am I supposed to do?”

    “Just go exploring, or do some more training.” Maverick looked at his three pokeballs in the pokemon healing machine. They barely had time to go to a pokemon center, so Nurse Joy gave them her old healing machine when she obtained a new one and Trevor hooked it up with the help of his Elekid. Inside the pokeballs were Rhyhorn, Misdreavus, and Vaporeon.

    “OK, I guess I’ll go dig in the underground for treasure or something,” sighed Maverick. He’d rather go to town since he didn’t go to there often. Trevor picked up his packback that was tearing apart and had quite a few patches on it. Then he took his four pokeballs and began heading out. “Do you need Vaporeon today?”
    “Nah, There’s nothing around the lakes today.” People often polluted the few lakes and springs around the survival area. On occasion Trevor found something useful. He’s even found a bike voucher but it only worked in Kanto. He even found a Star Piece once and sold it for quite a bit. It amazed him how people would throw away such goods.

    “Well, see you back home at lunch time,” said Trevor as he headed out the door. Maverick took his three pokeballs and left soon after.
    Stark Mountain towered to the North East of Maverick’s house. He only climbed the mountain once but that was with the help of Trevor and their friend Buck. He thought about the stories he had been told about the mountain. The treasured Magma Stone, the powerful wild pokemon who Trainers everywhere would test their skills against, the Legendary Pokemon Heatran, and the most unforgettable story, how his parents were lost when the mountain erupted. He headed toward the mountain.

    After half an hour of wandering around the base of Stark Mountain, Maverick saw something sparkle on a ledge high above him. He was curious as to what was up there. He checked the surface of the wall. It looked like his Rhyhorn could climb it. He took out his pokeball. “Rhyhorn, time for some Rock Climbing,” shouted Maverick as he threw the pokeball. Rhyhorn appeared in front of him and gave a roar of excitement.

    Rhyhorn began to scale the rocky wall with Maverick held on tight. Within a minute they reached the ledge. There Maverick was a strange device. It looked like some sort of ray gun, with a screen on the back. Maverick pulled the trigger and the screen reacted. It scanned the mountain surface and then the screen showed the mountain but with a different view. All the rocks were hollow and yellow-organish colored, but there was something behind the rocks that was glowing blue. What did he find, a new model of an item finder?

    Maverick inspected the device a little closer. There was some kind of logo but none he recognized. It was the Planet Earth with a G circling it was one of Saturn’s Rings, but the continents were red instead of green. He soon decides to take the device and show it to Trevor. Then he remembered the blue thing under one of the rocks. With curiosity he heads toward it.

    Rock Slides happened occasionally on Stark Mountain, either because of natural occurrences or intense pokemon battles. The boulder Maverick found himself in front of was covering a small gap, but it was too small for him to fit through. “Rhyhorn, move the boulder with Strength,” commanded Maverick. Rhyhorn charged straight forward and successfully moved the boulder several inches. However, Rhyhorn began shaking it’s head and was tired.

    “Good job, return.” Maverick called back his pokemon and then jumped into the pit. There he found something interesting, a satellite dish with a computer hooked to it. It was transferring data. Someone has placed this here. Then Maverick was the same symbol on the ray gun on the satellite. Something was going on at Stark Mountain and he was intended to find out.

    “Give me back my Thermal Radar, please.” The voice came from behind Maverick. It talked with a deep, menacing tone. Maverick turned around and saw someone dressed in a cloak and hood. He wondered if the man felt hot and sweaty dressed like that. He must’ve been the one to have placed the satellite and computer here.
    “I’m not going to repeat myself again kid. Give me back my thermal radar,” said the cloaked man, but this time even more menacing. Maverick considered for a bit as he took the thermal radar out of his backpack.

    “How do I know it’s really yours,” Maverick asked.

    “Just hand it over and no one gets hurt.” Maverick considered his options. The pit had a pile of rocks behind him, obviously covering the entrance to a cave. He could try to escape back the was he came, but that would be difficult with the man blocking him. Then he thought of a way.

    “Sorry, finders keepers. Misdreavus, Confuse Ray!” Maverick threw the pokeball containing Misdreavus and it fired a bright purple ray from it’s eyes, temporarily blinding the cloaked man. Maverick made his quick escape while Misdreavus kept up the Confuse Ray. Once out of the cave’s entrance he starts heading down the Mountain’s base and toward home. But the cloaked man quickly catches up and throws a pokeball.

    “Blaziken, stop them now!” Blaziken appears in front of Maverick and then grabs him.

    “Hey let me go!”

    “Either drop the radar, or get burned by Blaziken.” Maverick didn’t know what to do now. He wondered who the man was and why the radar was so important.

    _ _ _ _ _ _​

    Any and all commnts are welcomed.
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2008
  2. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    You spelled Sinnoh wrong in the beginning of the story.

    Sounds interesting, but does this mean you're giving up on finishing Pokemon Reality? :frown:
  3. CyberManectric

    CyberManectric Active Member

    Fixed the error, [DEL]and yeah, I've given up on my old fan fic for a number of reasons.[/DEL]

    Actually, you know what? I may have been talked back into it (scroll to the bottom of the post.) :cool:
    Last edited: Oct 2, 2008
  4. meditite rox

    meditite rox New Member

    You messed up on a few tenses, sometimes being in present tense, sometimes in the past tense. But it is really good.
  5. CyberManectric

    CyberManectric Active Member

    Chapter 2: The Cloaked Trainer​

    Blaziken’s grip was too strong for Maverick to break out of. No matter how much he struggled, it was useless. Then Blaziken lit it’s wrists on fire and got ready to burn Maverick. Then his Misdreavus shows up. It appears in front of Blaziken and then enlarges its face as it let loose a screeching shout. The Ashonish attack made Blaziken flinch allowing Maverick to escape.

    “Thanks Misdreavus, let’s go find Trevor,” said Maverick. They begin to head down the mountain.

    “Not so fast, Probopass trap them with Gravity,” Yells the cloaked man as he throws another pokeball. A Probopass appears and instantly begins to intensify gravity. Maverick found it harder and harder to run and soon collapses as his body felt too heavy for him to move. His Misdreavus also falls to the ground and becomes immobile. It took all of his strength to reach for his third pokeball.

    “Vaporeon… stop Probopass…” strained Maverick. Vaporeon appeares and instantly collapses from the intense gravity Probopass was generating. “Er… use… Yawn.” Vaporeon struggles to lift its head up, and then fires a bubble that hits Probopass and makes it drowsy. Soon the gravitational pull wares off and Maverick and his pokemon regain control over their bodies.

    “So you want to battle? Probopass use Magnet Bomb on Misdreavus!” Probopass fired one of its mini noses at Misdreavus and hits with an explosive result. The mini nose returns to Probopass as it falls asleep. Misdreavus falls to the ground from the powerful attack.

    “That was a direct hit. You ok Misdreavus?” Misdreavus slowly gets back in the air and nods its head. “Alright, since Probopass is asleep let’s concentrate on Blaziken. Misdreavus Confuse Ray! Vaporeon, use Water Gun!”

    “Blaziken, use Blaze Kick!” Vaporeon fires a Water Gun attack, but Blaziken dives at Vaporeon with Blaze Kick, intercepts the Water Gun with its attack and strikes Vaporeon. After the attack, Misdreavus appears in front of Blaziken and uses Confuse Ray. Blaziken becomes confused but Maverick found out that it was at a much higher level than his pokemon.

    “Water Gun hit it, but it doesn’t look like it hurt it at all.”

    “Ha ha ha, did you really think you could defeat my pokemon that easily? As soon as my Probopass wakes up, you’re done for. Not only will I take my radar back, but you’ll be my prisoner as well.”

    “Just who are you, and why do you want the radar I found so badly?”

    “I dropped it while looking around the Mountain. As I was coming down to retrieve it I saw you grab it. Now hand it over already or face the consequences!”

    “I’d rather eat dirt then listen to a butthead like you.” The cloaked trainer becomes very insulted. He decides it is time to end the silly battle.

    “So be it. Blaziken, use Blast Burn!” The cloaked trainer had forgotten Blaziken was confused. It begins to hurt itself in its confusion.

    “Now’s our chance! Let’s attack Blaziken together. Vaporeon, Aurora Beam! Misdreavus, use Psybeam!” Misdreavus and Vaporeon fired their two beams at once and something miraculous happened. The two attacks collide before hitting Blaziken, and formed a new beam. The new attack sparkles with the brightness and beauty of Aurora Beam and had the mystifying power of Psybeam. The powerful beam strikes Blaziken at full force and knocks it down. Maverick is amazed that such a thing just happened.

    “What the… Dazzle Beam? How did this kid pull a combo attack on me,” wondered the cloaked trainer in awe.

    “Dazzle Beam? What are you talking about?” Maverick becomes confused. He had no idea what a combo attack was. Blaziken struggles to its feet and tries to attack, but it appears to be even more confused than before. It attacks Probopass with Blast Burn instead of its opponents.

    “Blaziken stop right now!” It was no use. Blaziken was obviously going insane from the effects of Dazzle Beam. Both Misdreavus and Vaporeon were also wondering what was going on. Neither of them knew how they used Dazzle Beam.

    “Vaporeon, Misdreavus, finish off Blaziken. Psybeam and Aurora Beam again!” They fire their attacks, but this time the two beams hit Blaziken separately and don’t form the Dazzle Beam attack. “Hey, what gives? Where’s that powerful attack?”

    “Ha ha, looks like I’m overestimating this kid. You got a lot to learn. Huh?” Although the two attacks didn’t properly combine, it was still enough to KO Blaziken and it faints. However, Probopass wakes up and gives a threatening cry. “Now you’re dead meat. Probopass, use Discharge at maximum power!” Probopass unleashes a massive amount of electricity.

    “Quick Misdreavus, use Destiny Bond.” Luckily for Maverick, Misdreavus is able to perform Destiny Bond before the Discharge attack hits it and Vaporeon. Both pokemon were KO’d and Probopass has all its energy drained by Destiny Bond’s spell and faints.

    “No way, it’s a stalemate. Probopass, Blaziken, return.” The cloaked trainer recalls his two pokemon. Maverick does the same.

    “OK, you couldn’t beat me, so I’m out of here.”

    “Not so fast.” The cloaked trainer takes his hood off. He had blond hair that was spike up using hair gel. The cloak hung loosely, so it slipped enough to reveal that he had the same logo from the thermal radar tattooed on his left shoulder. So the radar did belong to him after all.

    “What are you doing now?” Maverick was beginning to feel uneasy. The cloaked trainer pulled out a spherical device that looked kind of like a grenade.

    “What I should’ve done in the first place.” He threw the bomb. Upon impact onto the ground it exploded. To Maverick’s surprise, it wasn’t an explosive. The bomb contained a blue powder and it was hovering all around him. He recognized the substance, Sleep Powder! He quickly feels drowsy as he coughs for a bit, trying hard not to breathe in the sleep powder but it was no use.

    Maverick collapses onto the ground and falls into a deep sleep. He couldn’t feel anything, not even the warmth from the volcanic rocks. The cloaked trainer was furious with the day’s events. He thought it would be best to leave Maverick there and just simply take the radar. The last thing Maverick remembered hearing was the cloaked trainer shouting, “This isn’t over kid. It’s only the beginning!”
    Last edited: Aug 3, 2008
  6. bullados

    bullados <a href="

    As stated before, the time frame shifts need to be handled better. You're switching b/w present and past tense FAR too often. Also, double check both your spelling and grammar in this. There are several sentences that make no sense under any circumstance.
  7. CyberManectric

    CyberManectric Active Member

    huh, in that case I'll stop trusting Microsoft Word Spell Checker. Fixed whatever errors I saw though.

    EDIT: I repeat, my spell checker/writing program sucks, but thanks for your help Medidite Rox. I'm just used to having that feature from when I wrote my old fan fic.
    Last edited: Jul 21, 2008
  8. meditite rox

    meditite rox New Member

    There are still a lot of errors.

    1. loose, not louse

    2. It doesn't read right, with the different tenses. Make it either all present or all past, I'd recommend all past, personally, so it'd look like this:

    Blaziken’s grip was too strong for Maverick to break out of. No matter how much he struggled, it was useless. Then Blaziken lit its wrists on fire and got ready to burn Maverick. Then his Misdreavus showed up. It appeared in front of Blaziken and then enlarged its face as it let loose a screeching shout. It used Astonish and it scared Blaziken enough to have it let go of Maverick.

    Even so, you said it used Astonish after you said it let loose a screeching shout, which is Astonish so you'd have to word it better.

    And it wouldn't really scare the Blaziken so much, it would mostly startle it and make it flinch.

    Just my two cents.
  9. charmander rox

    charmander rox New Member

    Yeah. You have quite a few grammar issues. If you'd like, I could proofread your chapters for you.
  10. CyberManectric

    CyberManectric Active Member

    Last edited: Oct 2, 2008
  11. bullados

    bullados <a href="

    Two things here.

    1) Watch your tense switches. It's particularly egregious in the first paragraph, but it pops up elsewhere.

    2) Show, don't tell. If the kid is ignorant but trains a lot, make a big deal about his muscles and 6-pack, then have him make a dumb comment about battling strategies. When describing looks, use metaphors. Switch around the order that you reveal things. Picture the character in your mind. What's the first thing that jumps out at you? His or her hair? Face? Eyes? Clothing? Body? Describe the person in the order that you notice that character's features. Then, let his or her actions speak for that character's personality. It makes for more interesting reading.
  12. meditite rox

    meditite rox New Member

    Should be combo.

    Should be a question, "What, that's it?" or "What? That's it?"

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