Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

Master Of Us All

Pikamaster

Active Member
I wrote the first sentence with no idea how this would turn out. I scare myself sometimes, and not in a good way. R&R please, and enjoy.

Master Of Us All​

Ominous black clouds swirled overhead, pregnant with the promise of rain. A strong breeze swiftly filled the clearing, making the trees rustle and shake before it died and left the night in its state of eerie tranquility again. An owl hooted somewhere overhead; a rabbit dashed out from the bushes and was promptly snatched away by the same owl. She took in the setting: the feel of the frigid air as it kissed her face, the dull crunch of the frosty white grass beneath her boots, the long shadows cast by the trees and their bare branches in the dim light of her flashlight. She was scared. She had come to meet him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Where was he? Lightning seared through the sky, illuminating the night for a brief second, immediately followed by a deafening clap of thunder. She should not be out here, but she was; the allure of finally obtaining a Mew was too strong for her to resist, even if the method it was obtained by was illegal.

Her cheeks- reddened by the wind or flushed with excitement, she could not tell- inflated and deflated seemingly faster than necessary. The freezing air filled her lungs with a cold that permeated her entire being, but she ignored it. Ten years she had been searching for this Pokémon, ever since she turned eleven. She had jumped at every lead she could find, but Mew was never to be found. Hopefully that trend would change tonight.

It's another trick, she thought to herself while tying her long, chocolate-brown hair into a ponytail to avoid the feeling of disappointment that rose in her throat, vile and bitter. He's not going to show.

The man in question had approached her last night at the library while she was doing research-on Mew, of course. Tall, face hidden by the upturned collar of his trench-coat and completely mute, he had communicated with gestures and pictures. He was the kind of man that she would not want to see in a dark alley. Or in a clearing smack-dab in the middle of Viridian Forest with absolutely no light, save the tiny flashlight she held. It was so late, she was getting tired. Greed was a powerful motivator, and even the prospect of parting with five-million illegally obtained Pokédollars could not turn her away from her goal when it was so close.

She shivered and jogged in place, crushing the grass underneath her feet and wishing for a heavier coat and a pair of jeans instead of the thin skirt she had worn. And a Pokémon. Why had she abandoned that Charmander the first chance she had gotten? Going on a trainer journey had been her only way to leave the house and start her search, and having a Pokémon would have taken time, precious time. Time to feed it, time to care for it, time she would rather spend on her search. She regretted it now, though. Even her extensive knowledge of defensive fighting could not protect her against a Pokémon if she could not reach its trainer.

A gunshot filled the air and her heart leaped to her mouth as she dove into the dirt, hands covering her head in a futile gesture at protecting herself. She could go to sleep on the ground, maybe she should.

The torrential downpour of rain started, sudden and cold as ice. She was drenched in seconds, but this did not help ward off her drowsiness.

Her dulled senses eventually realized that the gunshot was really a stick snapping, and she tentatively rose. She called out, asking who was there, but received no reply.

The rain whipped at her face as the wind started to pick up again, howling through the forest. A faint sound came to her, carried by the gale. One word, repeated again and again.

Hypno. Hypno. Hypno. Hypno. Hypno.


Was that a Pokémon? What did it do? Was it why she was so tired? But it had such a pleasant voice. In fact, it was more than pleasant, it was wonderful! So soothing, so nice. She would happily do anything it asked. She was so happy…

***
Lightning flashed again and the rolling thunder followed directly after. If one had been out there in the middle of Viridian Forest during the last thunderstorm of the year at two in the morning, that person would have seen a human and a Hypno vanishing into the dying undergrowth, never to be seen again.
 
It's been a while since I did this...

Don't think you're the only one who can write. I'm just too lazy to apply my self. :p


I wrote the first sentence with no idea how this would turn out. <no one cares> I scare myself sometimes, and not in a good way. R&R please, and enjoy.<You're making it sound bad before we even read it.... this is not a good way to start a story>

Master Of Us All​


Ominous black clouds swirled overhead, pregnant with the promise of rain. A strong breeze swiftly filled the clearing, making the trees rustle and shake before it died <Weak, as well as awkward. Think of a better way to word this, not using the word "making">and left the night in its state of eerie tranquility [DEL]again[/DEL] <Not needed, makes the sentence clunky, either leave it out or have it as "and again, left the night...">. An owl hooted somewhere overhead; a rabbit dashed out from the bushes <Really clunky, needs rewording. Consider, "An owl hooted somewhere overhead, as a rabbit dashed out from the bushes..."> and was promptly snatched away by the same owl. She took in the setting: <Who took in the setting?> the feel of the frigid air as it kissed her face, the dull crunch of the frosty white grass beneath her boots, the long shadows cast by the trees and their bare branches in the dim light of her flashlight.<Who is scared? Up until now, I wasn't sure if this was the owl, another rabbit perhaps, or some new character. It's obviously a new character, but your introduction is clumsy.> She was scared. She had come to meet him, but he was nowhere to be seen. Where was he? Lightning seared through the sky, illuminating the night for a brief second, immediately followed by a deafening clap of thunder. She should not be out here, but she was; <Not terrible, not great either. Could use some improvement> the allure of finally obtaining a Mew was too strong for her to resist, even if the method it was obtained by was illegal. <Awkward, could use some work in sentence structure>

Her cheeks- reddened by the wind or flushed with excitement, she could not tell- inflated and deflated seemingly faster than necessary. <Weak sentence structure, and somewhat confusing to the reader. The idea of inflating, and deflating cheeks is also somewhat odd with how you worded it...>The freezing air filled her lungs with a cold that permeated her entire being, but she ignored it. Ten years she had been searching for this Pokémon, ever since she turned eleven. She had jumped at every lead she could find, but Mew was never to be found. Hopefully that trend would change tonight.

It's another trick, she thought to herself while tying her long, chocolate-brown hair into a ponytail to avoid the feeling of disappointment that rose in her throat, vile and bitter. He's not going to show.

The man in question had approached her last night at the library while she was doing research-on Mew, [DEL][DEL][DEL]of course. [/DEL] [/DEL][/DEL] <NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER pull something cutesy like that. It's just stupid, and COMPLETELY ruins the whole mood of the story. It takes what has been a fairly decent short story, and makes it sound like some 5th grader wrote it>Tall, face hidden by the upturned collar of his trench-coat and completely mute, he had communicated with gestures and pictures. He was the kind of man that she would not want to see in a dark alley. Or in a clearing < Oh come on... you should know better than to start a sentence like this...>smack-dab in the middle of Viridian Forest with absolutely no light, save the tiny flashlight she held. It was so late, she was getting tired. <Weak sentence, doesn't seem to serve any purpose>Greed was a powerful motivator, and even the prospect of parting with five-million illegally obtained Pokédollars could not turn her away from her goal when it was so close. <Your inconsistency with your vocabulary is highly irritating. You start of with that well structured creative opening sentence, and creative descriptions, and then can not think of a better way to describe your characters desire to obtain this mew other than "... could not turn her away from her goal when it was so close" This is really weak, and is poor writing.>

She shivered and jogged in place, crushing the grass underneath her feet and wishing for a heavier coat and a pair of jeans instead of the thin skirt she had worn.<Run on sentence. Needs work> And a Pokémon.<A sentence fragment? Really? You should definitely know better than that.> Why had she abandoned that Charmander [at]the first chance she had gotten? Going on a trainer journey had been her only way to leave the house and start her search, and having a Pokémon would have taken time, precious time. Time to feed it, time to care for it, time she would rather spend on her search <Consider changing up the vocabulary a bit>. She regretted it now, though. Even her extensive knowledge of defensive fighting could not protect her against a Pokémon if she could not reach its trainer.

A gunshot filled the air[,] and her heart leaped to her mouth as she dove into the dirt, hands covering her head in a futile gesture at protecting herself. <Worded kind of weird here. Might want to change it around>[DEL]She could go to sleep on the ground[DEL],[/DEL][...] maybe she should.[/DEL] Terrible waste of a sentence. She goes from panicking and hearing a gun shot, to thinking about going to sleep?>

The torrential downpour of rain started, sudden and cold as ice. She was drenched in seconds, but this did not help ward off her drowsiness.

Her dulled senses eventually realized that the gunshot was really a stick snapping, and she tentatively rose. She called out, asking who was there, but received no reply. <From the last "gunshot"? She JUST realized it? Even for a stupid character (which this does not seem to be), this would be an AMAZINGLY slow response time. This paragraph doesn't really seem to belong here as it currently is>

The rain whipped at her face as the wind started to pick up again, howling through the forest. A faint sound came to her, carried by the gale. One word, repeated again and again.

Hypno. Hypno. Hypno. Hypno. Hypno.


Was that a Pokémon? What did it do? Was it why she was so tired? But it had such a pleasant voice. In fact, it was more than pleasant, it was wonderful! So soothing, so nice. She would happily do anything it asked. She was so happy…

***
Lightning flashed again and the rolling thunder followed directly after. If [some]one had been out there in the middle of Viridian Forest during the last thunderstorm of the year at two in the morning, that person would have seen a human and a Hypno vanishing into the dying undergrowth, never to be seen again.
 
Back
Top