The Doom Desire - CHAPTER 4 YAYZ!!!

Discussion in 'Pokemon Fan Fiction' started by boneclub24, Dec 17, 2009.

8 league13 468 60
  1. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    need a better name xP

    Okay, this is my first fanfiction. This is Chapter One. It's a bit short, and there isn't much detail, but that's for Chapter 2

    “What are your intentions, sir?”
    “The world.”

    It was late afternoon. The path was long. The air was clean, and the trees rustled in the wind. There she is! Our hero is just coming by! Mounted on her bike she rides to Blackthorn City, ready to face Clair’s Dragons for her right to travel to the Pokémon league…..

    “Huff… Huff…” She panted.
    There wasn’t anyone near, and the Route from New Bark Town was long. She had a stop for a rest at home before continuing up Route 45 to Blackthorn. Her phone rang.
    Click. “Hello?”
    “Hi sweetheart! How are you doing?”
    “Mother! I only left the house a few hours ago!”
    “I’m sorry, I just hadn’t seen you in so long*sob* and… and… I just miss you sweetie!”
    “Aw… mom… I said I’d be back for a few months before the Pokémon league!”
    “Okay honey, I promise I won’t call again.”
    “Okay! Bye Mom! Say bye Marowak!”
    Beep. “I swear Marowak; I haven’t the faintest Idea what she will do once I leave home for good.”
    “Well said.”

    There were whispers from the shrubbery.
    “Are you sure it’ll work?"
    “Of course! I designed this Pokeball myself!”
    “That’s what I’m worried about…”
    “Shut it! It’ll work.”
    “If you say so.”
    Last edited: Dec 28, 2009
  2. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Add the route number. I assume you left it out to edit in later when you had time to look it up? You spelled "intentions" wrong in the beginning. Also, showing actions with asterisks looks really sloppy. Try to avoid it. Your capitalization is incorrect in some places.

    Despite this, it's a relatively good start. Keep it up.:thumb:
  3. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    okay thank you. omg I didn't see the route # thing o_O

    I put it in, I just don't know what happened, my computer does thing thing sometimes v.v

    okay I'll fix those errors, too. :)

    I like getting feedback lol, it gives me thing to thing about. I'll try and use less of *these* too :thumb:
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  4. Pikamaster

    Pikamaster Active Member

    You capitalized the "I" in "idea", but other than that, it's pretty good to start.
  5. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    Chapter 2 is here! I'll start posting on Fridays as long as I had time to write a whole chapter. And tell me if you are having trouble with the spacing

    She has curly red hair that shone in the light, and you could still see the glow in pitch blackness. It went just past her shoulders. This was practical, as she was that sort of thinker. She dressed in blue jeans, but not the baggy sort, because they are impractical and get caught in the bike chain. Working out wasn't a huge priority, but she tried to always make it out for an early morning jog, Gym days didn't count for this though, as she would need her strength. Marowak was her partner, and has been for as long as she could remember.…

    “GWAA!!!!!!! WAAHAA!!!!!!!!” The cries rang out throughout the whole town. Soft rains were beginning to fall as the full moon was fully revealed.

    I just want the pain to stop.
    “You know,” Alura’s mother said, “that’s a Cubone out there.”
    “It is?” Asked a much younger Alura. She couldn’t be much older than six.
    “Mhm,” Her mother replied, “They cry out like this because their mother’s die shortly after their giving birth.” She went to collect a book off a very dusty shelf. There was a picture of a man with Alura’s mother, but it was very old.
    “Look,” she said, “You see? It wears it’s mother’s skull on its head.”
    She was pointing to a picture of one in the book. “It always wears the skull of its dead mother, so no one has any idea what its hidden face looks like, if it is sad or lonely, the skull it wears shakes, and emits a plaintive and mournful sound. Cubone pines for the mother it will never see again. Seeing a likeness of its mother in the full moon, it cries. The stains on the skull the Pokémon wears are made by the tears it sheds.’” Mother read aloud.
    “It’s just so sad; I just wish we could help.”
    “We can! We have daddy’s old Pokeball, we can catch it!”
    “Hon, we just can’t. The landlord said no Pokémon, no exceptions. I’m sorry.”
    “Not as sorry as that Cubone! It needs help! And you just stand there with your arms folded standing on the sidelines, waiting for someone else to do something, and just because of what some mean land lord says!” Alura stormed up to her room.
    Her mother picked up the photo.
    Scott, She thought, you have no idea how much she is like you.
    The cries continued. Alura lay in her bed, unable to drown out the noises.
    “Knock, knock! May I come in? I brought tea.”
    “Fine,” Alura scoffed, “if you must.”
    Just like her father….
    They sat drinking tea, and after a while it appeared that Alura’s anger had subsided.
    “Well, I’m off to bed. Lights out, okay?”
    “All right….”
    Mother chuckled under her breath, “Alright, good night sweetie.” She kissed her good-night and shut the door.

    Alura waited until about an hour had pasted. She threw her coat and sneakers on and grabbed her father’s Pokeball they kept near the hearth. Though it meant nothing to her, it was black with a red rim.
    The rain kept pouring, as if the clouds were trying to make it hard to run. After all, there were a lot of hills around, and mud was a bad combination. Alura searched for at least an hour, and followed the cries of pain. Eventually a brown mound could be seen sitting out in a field. It was the only place you could see the moon through the clouds. He was sinking into the mud from all the tears combining with the rain.
    Half running, half tripping, she went out to him. She tripped as the mud supply increased the further Alura got to the Cubone. Unable to control herself Alura swung her arms around the Cubone and wept.
    “I don’t want you to cry anymore!” Tears were cascading down her checks, “if you miss your mommy, then I’ll be your mom! Just please, no more crying. Please, please, please…”
    The Luxury Ball dropped from Alura’s hands and began to roll down the hill. Cubone looked longingly at it for a bit, and the shook himself from the girl’s grip. This was no easy task.
    “Wait! Where are you…?”
    Cubone touched the Catch Button. Alura was in shock as Cubone turned red and then shot into the ball in a flash that reflected off of the puddles. It shook and the Button flashed red a few times before it went dim.
    Shaking, Alura picked it up and said under her breath, “I will be your mom, and I won’t let you cry ever again.”


    Alura snorted, “I had a really bad cold for a week after that," She said to nobody in particular, "Mother thought it was because my room wasn’t very well insulated, but I wasn’t about to argue.”
    It was getting dark, only one hill remained. Stars were becoming less visible, so Blackthorn was near.


    “When do we strike?”
    “Dawn of course, what sort of mission would it be if I said something like ‘we strike at 9:02 AM’?”
    “You have a point there. “
    “Go, Blaziken!” The woman threw a Pokeball of peculiar nature, “Start a fire. Professor, Blackthorn is just east of here, so the Gym should be open and taking challenges by the time we arrive.”
    “They won’t know what hit ‘em, heh-heh!”
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2009
  6. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Very good.

    Add a bit more description of Alura. Change "shown" to "shone", and "rime" to "rim". After the flashback, clarify whether Alura is talking to herself, Marowak, or someone else.
  7. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    Thank you for reading and posting constructive criticism, I obviously should pay more attention before I post. Next one will be up some time next week. I want them to be like episodes, so you get a new one each week or so lol

    Will do ;)

    And let me say, things get much more interesting during Part III :)
    Last edited: Dec 18, 2009
  8. Pikamaster

    Pikamaster Active Member

    Maybe put something between these two so you know it's set in a different place with different people talking, three asterisks in the center would work, something like that.

    * * *​
  9. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    Okay Chapter three is here, I'm gonna start posting them on Saturdays:
    Alura awoke the next day. She stayed at an inn for the usual trade of busing tables that night for a room. The sun was seeping through the curtains. It was still early, probably not much past dawn.
    Grunting, she got up, dressed herself, and went down to the tavern below.
    “What’ll it be then, miss?” Asked a gruff-looking man from the kitchen. There were a few tables, the bar, and behind there a window that allowed you to see the kitchen. A maid shuffled by every once in a while.
    “Just some toast will do, thank you.” Alura replied.
    “You’re quite the hard worker, ma’am,” The cook said, “never saw you take a break last night.”
    “I just try and earn my stay,” Alura said, but added a thank you after, trying to not come across as rued. “Ah, here’s the toast. Mmm, very nice indeed. May I have some of the leftovers for my Pokémon?”
    “Sure, headed to the Gym are ya? Aw… heck, here are the leftovers and some of our cans of Poke-Bites*”
    “Very generous, thank you!”
    “Just don’t let ‘em out in here, okay?”
    Alura dashed out after she finished her toast. She liked toast; it was simple, and packed full of good nutrients when you added peanut butter. Practical and it was burnt off easily.
    “Okay, let’s eat guys! Oh and girls, I know how you get about that, Scizor!”
    “Scizor!” She replied. There was a whole mess of Pokémon, all of varying powers and elements. Marowak, her partner, Scizor, Wigglytuff, Metagross, Dragonite and a Starmie all stood before her. Metagross didn’t eat and Starmie takes in nutrients from the sun. That helps, but Dragonite eats A LOT. Luckily at night he can scavenge, too.
    “Salamance, pull down, will you?” The woman commanded, “And Prof, stop cowering won’t you? It looks unprofessional and Salamance can easily catch you if you fell.”
    “Mwaa,” Was the response.
    They were gliding stealthily over a tree-scape, the wind rustled in the early morning wind. The sun was just coming up. It was maybe 7:00.
    Almost there Sally, Thought the woman, soon you shall prove you’re worth to him.
    A palace; it couldn’t be a Gym; it was just so expansive and vast. Queens could have lived in it. Alura used the giant knocker in the shape of a Kingdra’s head.
    A woman answered the door. She was slender, but gave the kind of impression of the unapproachable type. The cape, Alura thought of it as both odd and impractical.
    “A challenger?” She said; a tenor for sure. Not any older than 20.
    Alura couldn’t think why, but she just couldn’t say anything in the woman’s presence. Finally she said, “Yes’m”
    “Aye, Clair! It’s another squirt!” The woman yelled, with her arms folded.
    “Gesell, stop that nonsense at once! The young can be as mighty as the wise,” said another woman. She was taller, blue hair, and another cape. This one couldn’t be much older than 35, “I was taught that a great while ago. I was young and foolish as you are, and I paid the price for it. Tell me your name young one.”
    That lump in her throat build up again, “Al’ra… Alura, miss.”
    “Well Alura, I am Clair, the one who can hold herself against the elite four of all regions, the greatest dragon master. Your victory shall not come with great ease. Do you wish to challenge me?”
    “I challenge you… Dragon Master Clair!” Alura yelled, pumped up.
    “So it shall be,” said Clair, “Gesell, for your insolence earlier, I wish you to prepare the arena. Don’t argue just go! Alura, I shall meet you in the Gym. Ruben, Jessica! You-Who! Escort this young lady to the water room please.”
    “Psst! When is the next challenger coming?”
    “Be patient you old fart! I thought you scientists were patient, anway.”
    “Well, when is the next challenge coming?”
    “There is one starting in a few minutes. Now pipe down, this bit is crucial to our plan. Kingdra must be worn down!”
    “We now proceed to the challenge of Alura vs. The Great Dragon Master Clair!” Screeched the one called Gesell, “This shall be a 3 on 3 Pokémon Battle. Only the challenger my switch Pokémon! The house rules state that this arena shall be covered in water! Do you agree with these terms?”
    The usual stadium was set. Alura couldn’t see how the water would come in. They stood on mounds facing each other. Across the floor Clair stood, ready for battle. She had the no-mercy look in her eyes.
    “I accept these terms!”
    A pistol went off, “BEGINE!”
    Water rushed into the room from pipes set up in the side of the gym. In a few seconds it was all the way up to the top of their mounds.
    Make me proud, Alura thought as she threw a Quick Ball. Scizor landed on a bit of land.
    “To battle!” Clair yelled. The ball fell in the water. Nothing came up. Scizor looked uneasy.
    A smirk ran up Clair’s face, “Wrap attack.”
    Suddenly, a tail shot out of the water. In an instant, Scizor was being crushed under the pressure of the tail’s bind. Dragonair’s face became visible.
    Scizor was getting crushed.
    “Quick, Scizor! Use Focus Energy on your claws!”
    The Pokémon’s claws glowed.
    “Kamikaze Style, Scizor!” “Throw it Dragonair quickly!” They spoke at the same time.
    Dragonair threw Scizor. It smashed the water with a torrential splash.
    “Now!” yelled Alura.
    Under the water, Scizor came up under Dragonair with a very stylish U-Turn. Dragonair was down for the count. The bug swooped back to her mound, quite pleased with herself. It would have been much more impressive if he stayed up. Both trainers called their Pokémon back.
    Two new balls were thrown; Alura’s was a Net Ball. This time Alura’s wasn’t coming up. Milotic seemed a tad surprised this time.
    “Rapid Spin, Starmie!” Like a shuriken, Starmie darted out from behind Milotic. Milotic was expecting this.
    “Dragon Breath!” Clair had anticipated this sort of play.
    “Power Gem!” Alura was equally prepared.
    They stood there for what felt like hours trying to push the other’s beam back. A Brilliant Green gas shot from Milotic; an almost blinding light was cast from Starmie. Eventually… they both stopped and it was just the exchange of lightning-fast Rapid Spins and Aqua Tails. It was almost like a dance. Just before Starmie would hit, Milotic intercepted with Aqua Tail.
    “Psychic!” “Recover!” They both yelled. Psychic hit first.
    A very un-lady like word came from Clair as Milotic was helplessly suspended.
    “Zap-Cannon, Starmie! Finish that worm!”
    A ball of static electricity built up in front of Starmie. It was absorbed and then shot at a lightning fast pace. Milotic couldn’t take any more. It got hit right as it started it’s Recover.
    “You’re one sharp kid,” remarked Clair, “You could have easily learned the Dragon trade. Oh well… Go KINGDRA!”

    “There it is!”

    *Poke Bites are like Kibble for Pokemon
    Last edited: Dec 19, 2009
  10. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    Yeah, you really should do something to clarify when you're switching from one place to another. There's a few places that the grammar and spelling needs some work. Your description of Gesell is very good.
  11. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    yeah, I'm going back to my doc. to put in transitions.

    ~~~~ = Flashback end
    ****=Setting Change
  12. Pikamaster

    Pikamaster Active Member

    Make sure your gender agrees with who you're talking about.

    Here Scizor is a girl.

    Here Scizor switched genders, try to avoid this.
  13. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    oh snap, I didn't see that lol
  14. Pikamaster

    Pikamaster Active Member

    Still needs a little fixing.=P
  15. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    lol I think I got em all
  16. Lucario EX

    Lucario EX Moderator<br>Fanfic Contest Host

    No, you didn't.:wink::tongue:
  17. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    I need to pay more attention b4 I post v.v
  18. boneclub24

    boneclub24 New Member

    The room was covered in shadow. No windows were in it. It was an office.
    “I still think you don’t have what it takes to be an Elitist.” The man said. He was the one sitting behind the desk. You couldn’t make out his features, as he was covered in shadow.
    “Why is that, sir?” The woman asked.
    “If I had any say in the matter, you would have been shipped out to Mt. Coronet with the rest of the grunts,” He continued, ignoring the question, “And that partner of yours! Ha! A Salamance weaker than a Bagon! Just know this, one more screw up, and he’s going off for Testing.” The man said.


    “Hydro Pump!”
    The battle raged on. Starmie had been finished, and Alura had sent in her Dragonite to face Clair’s Kingdra. Both were getting tired.
    “Outrage, Dragonite!” Alura commanded.
    “Oh no,” Clair gasped, realizing what she was in for, “Kingdra GET AWAY FROM DRAGONITE, NOW!”
    Kingdra was diving deep into the pool, about to use Rest. Just as it was stopping, a shadow appeared behind it. Red eyes opened.
    “Now Dragonite!” A burst of water, and a figure was sent flying into the wall behind Clair. A hole about three feet deep was made; Kingdra was at the back of it. Amazingly, she got up, and jumped back to the pool.
    The wall burst. Debris scattered in every direction, cutting up the spectators and almost knocking Clair off her feet. A purple gas was dispersed. Two figures swept in on a giant shadow. As the gas cleared and Alura began to lose consciousness, they became visible. A woman. A man.
    He was short, and very old; must have been in his eighties. He has spectacles, wore a lab coat, and had the stereotypical ‘I’m a scientist’ look about him.
    She was tall, and couldn’t be much older than twenty-two. She had a hair that could only be described as a cross between red and purple. She had on a uniform. It was blue, grey, and black. It had a studded, golden omega symbol on the chest.
    The group had dismounted their Salamance, and was sticking needles in Kingdra. They hoisted the dragon into a box that had a kennel-like appearance to it. Alura was out cold.
    “Great work, Persephone!” The old man called. They were amongst the trees again, as they had stopped by a stream for a quick breather and to recover from the adrenaline rush.
    “Thanks, but it wasn’t my first mission, Prof. Grey,” Persephone said. She was lying on her back with her arms behind her head, “We had better drug up that Kingdra again, just in case it wakes up before we return to headquarters.”
    Alura was just waking up. She could hear sirens, and she was laying on something softer than the ground, but not that much softer.
    “I think she’s coming around, people!” It was Gesell.
    Alura opened her eyes. The whole gym has in ruins. Medical teams rushed this way and that, carrying people and Pokémon to emergency vehicles.
    “Come on Alura, the police need a statement,” Gesell said, urging rising Alura onward, “Here she is, chief.”
    They were looking at a scruffy kind of guy, with crude facial hair in the form that could only really be called a moustache but was highly questionable. As he talked, he was kind or muffled under his “moustache”.
    “Yeff, yeff, who ifs thiff?” He mumbled.
    “This is Alura, she was the challenger,” Gesell said, “She probably saw more than most of the rest of us did.”
    “I fffee. Now, what did you ffee young ladfy?” The Chief of Police questioned.
    “Well… sir,” Alura began.
    “Oh, pleaff, call me Waliff,” He cut in.
    “Well… Wallis, I was taking my challenge, and suddenly the wall…”
    As she explained, Clair was being seen to in the corner. She couldn’t get control of herself. Clair tried her best to show no weakness to her disciples, but right now she was just crying to no end. A waterfall cascaded down her cheeks, and see couldn’t stop.
    “Do try and calm down now,” An elderly woman was saying as a nurse was tending to her gashes and running tests, “I’m sure it’s giving the nurse a difficult time, now.”
    “Grandmother! K-K-K-K-iiiiingdras been stolen!”
    “Now, ma’am,” The nurse said, “We’re gonna need to get you to the hospital to be sure no serious damage has been done.”
    Clair began to flail about uncontrollably. “No! Nononono! I need to go after them!” She slugged a doctor trying to calm her down. The nurse looked at her grandmother, who nodded.
    “Give her the IV.” After she said this Clair was uncontrollable, “We need some help, here!”
    A few of the woman came over to hold her down, and a man began to find a vein. He injected her, and they carted her into an ambulance.
    “Yeff, it’ff quite obviouff that they were professionalff,” Wallis told Alura, “The only bit of evidence pointed to a man who has been dead for over a month.”

Share This Page