Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

Dimmension riders

zoroark-X

New Member
Keep in mind this was written by a 13-year-old, so it may not be that good ok? please no mean comments.:biggrin:
this is written as if no humans ever existed. just pokemons. ok?

PROLOGUE
Legend tells of two deitys. one of time, and one of space. one fateful day the two collided in an epic battle that wreaked terror among the pokemon world. many pokemon perished trying to stop the rampaging titans, every attempt failed. finally after years of destructive fighting, the beasts fell into a seemingly unyielding slumber. over time the pokemon rebuilt their homes, in hopes that the creatures would never return. little did they know, the battle had only begun.

CHAPTER ONE: oran berry muffins and otter chaos
The sun was warm on jade's face as she woke. she opened her eyes, and watched as the clouds slowly cross the azure sky. it was a beutiful morning, but all jade could think about was food. she climbed out of bed, and walked into her kitchen. she grabbed a bowl, and was about to pour some cereal when she heard a CRASH!! she fell, and scrambled to her feet. she ran outside to see her friend, an oshawott, standing where his house used to be, covered in ash. Jade ran to his side. "are you ok!?" jade said concerned.
"yeah, it was a minor,... eh... 'malfunction', with my new invention."he said. A car pulled into the half-destroyed driveway.
" conch otter oshawott! did you destroy the house AGAIN?"
" Is there really a need to use my full.. uh.. name?"
" In the house.. er .. ash pile NOW!!"
" Yes mother..."
conch walked into the center of the mess and sighed. " Sorry you had to see that jade " she walked off twords conch. jade just walked away before it got ugly. hungry, jade decided to hit the pokemon cafe'.
"yo, jade! my snivy!" shouted benny pansage,"what can i do ya for?"
" I'll just have an oran berry muffin. "
" alright, you hear that jerry!"
" loud and clear! " said jerry panpour.
" you want it warm?" asked kenny pansear
" why not!" said jade.
" alright little lady, just 2 Poke'dollas" said benny. Jade placed 2 poke'dollars on the counter. "here ya go!" benny shouted. Jade ate her muffin, and walked outside. into chaos.

CHAPTER TWO: coming soon

---------- Post added 06/16/2011 at 12:06 PM ----------

[/COLOR]CHAPTER TWO: things start to stir up
Jade shoved her way between two pokemon. " Thats my pecha berry! give it back! " screamed shinx,
" No! its my pecha berry! " shouted buizel. "settle down you two!" jade screamed as the two pokemon reached for each other. "stop!" jade screamed. jade took the berry from buizel and sliced it in half with a razor leaf attack "here" she handed each pokemon a slice of pecha berry. the pokemon walked away.
jade started walking home, the sky, for a brief moment, turned blue and pink. "uuuugh, a storm" jade complained. then suddenly everything turned black.
Woah, where am I......
what is this.....
PARUUUUUUUUKYAAAA!!!!!
DAIIRUUUUUUUUUUGGAAAAA!!!!!
BLTTZZZ
CRASSSSHHH!!
PARRRUUUUUUU!!!
DAIIIIIIIRRR!!!!
"whoah, what a crazy dream..." jade got up and saw a glowing object near her. she picked it up."woah! this diamond looks just like the one from the pokemon in my dream!! " she picked it up,put itin her bag, and ran home.
--------------------------continue later--------------------------

CHAPTER TWO CONTINUED
"hello sweetie!" said jade's mother. "care for some breakfast?"
"thanks, but i ate at the cafe."
"alrighty then honey have fun!"
jade ran to her room and flipped open the lid to her laptop and furiously started typing in the computer.....

POKEMON WITH DIAMOND ON ITS CHEST

she hit search. "come on, come on,....... UGH! stupid computer cant you move any faster?" *ping* "ok,...ok,...". jade scrolled down until she saw,
DIALGA VS. PALKIA: A LEGENDARY BATTLE
*click* picures of two giant pokemon appeared, in each photo it seemed they were trying to kill one-another,.... "but why..." jade whispered to herself. I need answers!!"
quickly, jade slammed her computer shut and tucked it under her arm. she ran downstairs and flew past her mom," going to conch's be back soon love you gotta go bye!" Jade shouted. *SLAM* she shut the door behind her and ran to conch's half rebuilt house. " Conch! have you....ever....seen....these....poke'mon?" she flipped open the computer. conch studied the photos closely. " yes, those are the destructive tyrants. DIALGA and PALKIA!"

CHAPTER THREE: jade learns of the deitys

"dialga? and palkia? what kind of pokemon are they?" jade asked. "The dangerous kind, dont go trying to find them! you could get hurt and if anything happened to you i would... i mean your mom would cry her eyes out..." conch started blushing. "alright! i just wanted to know because I had this wierd dream.. all I can remember is a blur of pink and a blur of blue fighting and colliding, and the blue one had a diamond on its chest, and when i aoke up i found this!" she held up the piece of diamond. " oh no, ooohh. nn-nooo!!" conch started baking away. "what" jade said confused. "t-th-that!" conch pointed to the diamond. "what about it?" jade said. "th-thats di-dialga's diamond!" conch forced out. " so?" jade looked even more confused. " That means dialga and palkia have awoken again!" conch squealed, " last time those tyrants woke, they wreaked havoc for every pokemon on the planet! houses destroyed... crops and fields set on fire.... pokemon killed,..everyone living in fear! does that sound fun jade? does it?!" "no, not really." jade replied. "Then how do you plan to stop it?" conch yelled. Jade thought to herself.. -what could stop two huge angry titans,... that have legendary strength,... and are ancient deitys... of legend... ARCEUS!!- " hey, hey,hey! hey conch! Areceus could stop them! arceus created us all so he can BEAT us all!" jade said. " oh wow jade! thats a great idea!" conch said sarcasticlly, " only one problem. WHERE ON EARTH ARE WE GONNA FIND ARCEUS?". "thats just it!" jade replied,"arceus isnt on earth. he rides through time and space..as do the dietys! your smart! build something to help us travel through time and space!" jade suggested. " well, its virtually impossible.. but if you take a metal strong enough to survive space travel..... carry the one.... multiply by five..... then you fuse it with a substance that defys time and stays the same no matter how much time passes.......add six......divide by nine.......and throw in some epic looking space suits.... OK!! I got it! ill just need you to collect a few items.. heres a list" conch hands a long list to jade.

-steel from an old space rocket
-fuel: an adadment diamond, and a lustrous pearl
-assoted foods
-titanium
-metal
-the life orb to summon arceus
-water
-water container

"ok.. i can try to get all of this stuff." jade ran off, in search of the items.

CHAPTER FOUR-coming soon
 
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well i feel for you i have attempted (and failed miserably) to write (several) fan fics.... anyway

back on topic i read 2 pokemon yada yada gigantic clash yada yada yada (to lazy to look back up to what it actuly is lol)
and i started to go thru the list of "2 pokemon that clash"....didnt realize how large it was lol

might want to add a note saying this is from a pokemon perpective it thru me for abit XD

other then that it looks good for a first chapter
 
i think it would probaly be abit easyer to post chapters in diff post stead of editing dont you?

and your chapters are short allmost like your breaking them up halfway remember quality over quantity
 
It's a harsh world when it comes to writing. Not many have that "magic" that makes writing come alive. I'm only your age too, and my writing wasn't much better when I was 11. Now, I'm one of the more acclaimed writers on PokeBeach at this time. Just give it some time to maturate into something that you feel is alive. (If you need an example of my work, check my sig. The "The Price of Revenge" link is my best so far.)

I can see you give forth some effort, but it doesn't exactly show as much as I would like it to. A few guidelines to help you:
1. Start a new paragraph when another person speaks.
2. Describe more than use dialogue to tell the story. Show us instead.
3. Follow all of the grammar rules. (This is something you need to follow to actually get the reader to understand it.)
4. The characters should have personality, weaknesses, and in no way be invincible Mary Sues.
5. Age should be reasonable.
6. The chapters should go to a length that actually makes sense.
7. Don't rush the story. (This seems to be your biggest issue.)
8. Chapter titles should be inventive and original. (Yours are a bit lackluster...)
9. The plot shouldn't all revolve around a quest in Pokemon stories. (this is my personal opinion, but I strongly recommend it.)
10. You should feel excited about writing the story. (I don't see it much.)

Just my own list of pointers. Make amends as needed.

Overall, I see you want to continue with this story, but it could use some improvement. Right now, you write a "bigwalloftext" for each chapter, but you should improve if you go more and more into this. Just keep making improvements to it. I like your plot already, but don't turn it into a quest-and-quest-alone type of story. You have potential to make a splash in this forum, so make it happen. (N reference FTL...)

On a side note, why do Dialga and Palkia scream their Japanese names, Diaruga and Parukia?

-David
 
Welcome. I just feel like helping people out every now and then. I would still keep it as Dialga and Palkia though. ;)

I'll be reviewing it later possibly. if you need it, that is. (Check your inbox for it...)

-David
 
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