Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

CHAPTER 3 IS UP! IMPROVED WRITING! Check it out.

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ZaPaDoS1

New Member
Chapter 1- The Great Discovery

"This lake... it's so mysterious.", said Mel as he walked around a strange lake he found in the forest. "I've never seen such red water. I should take a sample back to the lab.", said Mel as he took an empty vile and filled it with the light red, murky, water. "What's that!", he screamed as a small Horsea who was breathing fire popped up. The horsea had a strange look on it's face. The type of look when someone comes up to you and says-"Do I know you?" Mel was shocked to see a water Pokemon breathing fire. "This is crazy. A Horsea breathing fire? I must catch it. Go! Blastoise!", Mel screamed as he threw a Pokeball containing Blastoise out. Blastoise raged out of the Pokeball and jump into the water. "Blastoise, faint the Horsea so I can catch it!", screamed Mel as he pointed at the light red Horsea. Blastoise let out a Hydro Cannon. Horsea was very scared and didn't fight back. Boom! The Hydro Cannon fainted the Horsea.

Mel quickly threw a pokeball at it. Whish! Click. He had caught the fire Horsea. "Good job Blastoise!", he said as Blastoise went back into it's Pokeball. Mel was a tall individual, he had small round glasses, brushed back black hair, and a not so deep voice. "This is very weird. Could there be more of these Pokemon? I mean, I've only searched a tiny part of this massive lake.", he said in confusion. Mel wanted to look for more Pokemon, but he decided he should get back to the lab and show the Horsea to Oak.

"Mmmm... yes... very strange. Well, my conclusion is so: It seems as this Horsea has a changed Genetic Structure. I think chemicals from the Ozone layer might have brought this on, but I am not sure. This is a massive breakthrough of Pokemon Mel!!", Oak said as he examined a piece of Horsea's tissue under a microscope. "Thank you Professor. Oh, I think it's a fire type.", said Mel. "What makes you think that?", asked Oak while adjusting his glasses. "When it came out of the lake, it started to breath fire. When it did, it became a light red.", said Mel. "That's incredible! A water pokemon made into a Fire Pokemon! Wonderful discovery! Do you think there may be a Seadra or Kingdra of this kind?", asked Oak. "I don't know. I should go back and explore the lake.", responded Mel as he packed some things up. "Where is the lake?", asked Oak. "It was FAR beyond the mountains below Fallarbor Town. I think it's uncharted territory.", said Mel.

"Go to this lake. Find the mystery of this Pokemon and report back here. We don't want to bring choppers so far out. If there is anything else of significance, call us, and we'll be right over.", said Oak.

Chapter 2- The reaserch of the Lake coming soon.



Rate and comment please!
 
I see 1 grammer mistake "faint the horsea" and "the Hydro Cannon fainted to horsea"
sound a little weird try knocked out or K.O.ed

Other then that looks good
 
Thanks guys!

Chapter 2- Research of the Lake.

Mel was driving his Jeep far into the woods. It wasn't a normal jeep, it could go over all terrain, and it was invented by Professor Elm. "Woah!", screamed Mel as he started to get near the lake. An Aerodactyl, a Pokemon that was known to be extinct. "How the hell did that get out here? They are all dead.", he said as he rubbed his chin in disbelief. This was becoming very strange to him. He took out his cell phone in a hurry and put the jeep in Autopilot. "Hello.", said Oak. "Hey Professor. Listen, I'm almost near the lake and an Aerodactyl flew over my head!", responded Mel. "But picture this: It had a bright red glow surrounding it.", said Mel. "Hmm, that's extremely strange. It takes us 100 hours to bring the fossils back to life, and we have never let one go from the lab.", said Oak with much confusion. "This is all very strange. I'll report back to you soon." Mel hung up ther phone.

Vrrooo. The jeep stopped and Mel quickly got out. The lake was extrtemely bright, and reflected much light. It was a massive lake. Mel quickly took out some scuba gear from the back of the vehicle and put it on. "Well, might as well jump in.", he said as he put his left flipper on while sitting on a rock. He gave a running start and dived right into the lake. As soon as he opened his eyes in the goggles, he couldn't believe it. He was awed. There were over 100 pokemon inside steaming. Red and gold Magikarps, red Goldeens, Seadras and Horseas. "This is...incredible...a monstrous find.", he thought to himself as he explored the lake. "OH MY GOD!", he said as he opened his eyes widely. A Kingdra was heading straight for him! He quickly got to the surface when Kingdra surfaced and launched a deadly Flamethrower! He jumped quickly out of the lake.

He took off all the scuba gear and quickly grabbed his phone in the car, his Pokemon, and a bunch of Master Balls from Oak. He threw a Pokeball and out came Electabuzz. "Now! Electabuzz, Thundershock the lake!", screamed Mel as he pointed at the lake. Electabuzz lifted his arms and dishcarged a strong electric shock. The lake fluttered, and electricity ran through it. "It's quiet. What's happening?", he thought. A massive wirlpool appeared in the end of the lake. It came towards Mel quietly. So quietly that Mel didn't pay a glance. Shooo! Out of the raging whirlpool was a massive Red Gyarados! "AHHHHH!!!!!!!", Mel screamed. Gyarados launched a vicious Hyper Beam attack and incinerated Electabuzz. Electabuzz fainted right away. Mel was in shock and was breathing hard. "Electabuzz!", he screamed as he ran over to it. Gyarados went back into the water and swam away like a shark. "I've never seen such a powerful blast. He took his Pokeball out and Electabuzz was pulled back. "I have to call Oak."


Chapter 3- The great Mystery is revealed. Coming soon.
 
Absoltrainer said:
I see 1 grammer mistake "faint the horsea" and "the Hydro Cannon fainted to horsea"
sound a little weird try knocked out or K.O.ed

Other then that looks good
Click to expand...

There's more than that.

Anyways, a few comments.
1. This mel guy certainly likes to scream a lot, doesn't he? A great thing to do when storywriting is to change up the vocabulary. Instead of using 'scream' all the time, change it to 'yell' or 'shout' sometimes.
2. Chapters are too short. Chapters one and two could probably be combined to make one decent length chapter.
3. As I said before, plenty of grammar errors all around.

Venusaur said:
You should be a professional Pokemon story writer.
Click to expand...

Do you enjoy making sarcastic comments with the knowledge that the person the comment is directed to won't know it's sarcasm?
 
How come in your avatar Grumpig, Ninetales, Bulbasaur, Ditto, Eevee, Golduck, Typhlosion, Crobat, Quagsire all have a small black line to the right of them?
 
Venusaur isn't being sarcastic I don't think. We're friends, so just lay off his back please.

I know, I didn't edit it.

Also, I like using scream because shout is usually used when you are shouting at someone. And yell is the same.

I make mini-chapters, and the story is going to be composed of 30 of them.

I don't have time to proof read and edit every mistake. It's a fanfic, not a book.

But thanks for the comments. Chapter 3 is coming tomorrow.
 
I don't have time to proof read and edit every mistake. It's a fanfic, not a book.
Click to expand...

It's people like you that give fanfiction a bad name.

As for the comment that it's better than the animé, I was being more or less serious, but that's only because the animé is total and complete crap, so really there's nowhere to go but up. As for feedback on the story, well, I'll be completely objective.

Paragraphs are obviously not your friend. As a general rule of basic story writing, a new character speaking deserves its own new paragraph, as does a character speaking after any major action. Onomatopoeia like "Shooo!" or "Vrrooo" don't really do much for the narrative, since it makes it seem just plain childish. Putting things in all caps ("AHHHHH!!!!!!!", Mel screamed.) is not for narrative. In general, all caps are for acronyms. Multiple exclamation marks also makes it seem exceptionally juvenile. We're talking third grade here.

A rather annoying thing you do is double-punctuate your quotation marks. For the love of Goddish, speaking goes like this: "This is a proper sentence," Mel said. You don't ever punctuate directly outside a quotation mark. Periods are never used to precede the "person says" thing either. It's always in the form I posted right there. The exceptions are question marks ("How do I ask a question?" Asked Mel), exclamation marks (only use one at a time), and ellipses ("I'm trailing off..." said Mel). After the "says" bit is where punctuation may be used freely, as in the form: Mel says, "This is how you do it right." Consistency in capitalizing types would also help. You say "water Pokémon" and then later "Fire Pokémon," which shows you obviously don't care enough to keep your writing consistent. Either is fine, but pick one and stay with it.

This isn't even getting into the plot. I guess the first major offence with the plot is that nothing is described. It's like everything's happening in some void. You've got a forest, some murky water, but really there's no setting description at all. The sentence describing Mel seems like an afterthought. Random descriptions like "and it was invented by Professor Elm" only serve to sidetrack the reader from the story. The key is to describe only what is important for the reader to know. Throwing random comments around like that makes the story lose focus.

Furthermore, the plot advances at a very jerky rate. There is no part where I could point at it and say, "This story has a consistent flow here." Things happen very rapidly, travel times seem almost instantaneous ("far beyond" Fallarbor Town to Pallet in the space between two paragraphs?). Events are described matter-of-factly, which doesn't grab the reader's attention whatsoever. Speaking of getting the reader's attention, get into Mel's head more. He's your protagonist, and a third person neutral omniscient viewpoint doesn't work with only one person.

Word repetition is also something you don't manage to avoid. Whether it be Oak saying the word "strange" twice in one line, or Mel screaming all the time, there's no variety to your words. You can scream, yes, but you can yell, holler, bellow, cry, shout, exclaim, even say loudly... but the English language has a great many words for a great many situations. Limiting yourself makes the story read like it doesn't even respect itself. A story that doesn't respect itself simply can't be good. I don't mean a story has to be serious, but I mean a story has to have three things: Consistency, fluency of language (except in cases where it's intentionally bad), and a logical story progression. Read any novel of any genre, even the bad paperback pulp romance novels that you can buy for like $5, they have almost everything I've listed that you lack, even though they aren't very good.

While your story is better than the Pokémon anime, I say this only out of concept, which is itself recycled from the TCG. Mechanically and internally, it's a load of garbage. I'd place you at a grade three writing level, maybe grade five, in terms of grammatical prowess and control of language. That's it.
 
Last edited:
Marril said:
It's people like you that give fanfiction a bad name.

As for the comment that it's better than the animé, I was being more or less serious, but that's only because the animé is total and complete crap, so really there's nowhere to go but up. As for feedback on the story, well, I'll be completely objective.

Paragraphs are obviously not your friend. As a general rule of basic story writing, a new character speaking deserves its own new paragraph, as does a character speaking after any major action. Onomatopoeia like "Shooo!" or "Vrrooo" don't really do much for the narrative, since it makes it seem just plain childish. Putting things in all caps ("AHHHHH!!!!!!!", Mel screamed.) is not for narrative. In general, all caps are for acronyms. Multiple exclamation marks also makes it seem exceptionally juvenile. We're talking third grade here.

A rather annoying thing you do is double-punctuate your quotation marks. For the love of Goddish, speaking goes like this: "This is a proper sentence," Mel said. You don't ever punctuate directly outside a quotation mark. Periods are never used to precede the "person says" thing either. It's always in the form I posted right there. The exceptions are question marks ("How do I ask a question?" Asked Mel), exclamation marks (only use one at a time), and ellipses ("I'm trailing off..." said Mel). After the "says" bit is where punctuation may be used freely, as in the form: Mel says, "This is how you do it right." Consistency in capitalizing types would also help. You say "water Pokémon" and then later "Fire Pokémon," which shows you obviously don't care enough to keep your writing consistent. Either is fine, but pick one and stay with it.

This isn't even getting into the plot. I guess the first major offence with the plot is that nothing is described. It's like everything's happening in some void. You've got a forest, some murky water, but really there's no setting description at all. The sentence describing Mel seems like an afterthought. Random descriptions like "and it was invented by Professor Elm" only serve to sidetrack the reader from the story. The key is to describe only what is important for the reader to know. Throwing random comments around like that makes the story lose focus.

Furthermore, the plot advances at a very jerky rate. There is no part where I could point at it and say, "This story has a consistent flow here." Things happen very rapidly, travel times seem almost instantaneous ("far beyond" Fallarbor Town to Pallet in the space between two paragraphs?). Events are described matter-of-factly, which doesn't grab the reader's attention whatsoever. Speaking of getting the reader's attention, get into Mel's head more. He's your protagonist, and a third person neutral omniscient viewpoint doesn't work with only one person.

Word repetition is also something you don't manage to avoid. Whether it be Oak saying the word "strange" twice in one line, or Mel screaming all the time, there's no variety to your words. You can scream, yes, but you can yell, holler, bellow, cry, shout, exclaim, even say loudly... but the English language has a great many words for a great many situations. Limiting yourself makes the story read like it doesn't even respect itself. A story that doesn't respect itself simply can't be good. I don't mean a story has to be serious, but I mean a story has to have three things: Consistency, fluency of language (except in cases where it's intentionally bad), and a logical story progression. Read any novel of any genre, even the bad paperback pulp romance novels that you can buy for like $5, they have almost everything I've listed that you lack, even though they aren't very good.

While your story is better than the Pokémon anime, I say this only out of concept, which is itself recycled from the TCG. Mechanically and internally, it's a load of garbage. I'd place you at a grade three writing level, maybe grade five, in terms of grammatical prowess and control of language. That's it.
Click to expand...

I concur.

Venusaur said:
How come in your avatar Grumpig, Ninetales, Bulbasaur, Ditto, Eevee, Golduck, Typhlosion, Crobat, Quagsire all have a small black line to the right of them?
Click to expand...

Sarcasm and spam all in one topic. Wow.
 
Marril said:
It's people like you that give fanfiction a bad name.

As for the comment that it's better than the animé, I was being more or less serious, but that's only because the animé is total and complete crap, so really there's nowhere to go but up. As for feedback on the story, well, I'll be completely objective.

Paragraphs are obviously not your friend. As a general rule of basic story writing, a new character speaking deserves its own new paragraph, as does a character speaking after any major action. Onomatopoeia like "Shooo!" or "Vrrooo" don't really do much for the narrative, since it makes it seem just plain childish. Putting things in all caps ("AHHHHH!!!!!!!", Mel screamed.) is not for narrative. In general, all caps are for acronyms. Multiple exclamation marks also makes it seem exceptionally juvenile. We're talking third grade here.

A rather annoying thing you do is double-punctuate your quotation marks. For the love of Goddish, speaking goes like this: "This is a proper sentence," Mel said. You don't ever punctuate directly outside a quotation mark. Periods are never used to precede the "person says" thing either. It's always in the form I posted right there. The exceptions are question marks ("How do I ask a question?" Asked Mel), exclamation marks (only use one at a time), and ellipses ("I'm trailing off..." said Mel). After the "says" bit is where punctuation may be used freely, as in the form: Mel says, "This is how you do it right." Consistency in capitalizing types would also help. You say "water Pokémon" and then later "Fire Pokémon," which shows you obviously don't care enough to keep your writing consistent. Either is fine, but pick one and stay with it.

This isn't even getting into the plot. I guess the first major offence with the plot is that nothing is described. It's like everything's happening in some void. You've got a forest, some murky water, but really there's no setting description at all. The sentence describing Mel seems like an afterthought. Random descriptions like "and it was invented by Professor Elm" only serve to sidetrack the reader from the story. The key is to describe only what is important for the reader to know. Throwing random comments around like that makes the story lose focus.

Furthermore, the plot advances at a very jerky rate. There is no part where I could point at it and say, "This story has a consistent flow here." Things happen very rapidly, travel times seem almost instantaneous ("far beyond" Fallarbor Town to Pallet in the space between two paragraphs?). Events are described matter-of-factly, which doesn't grab the reader's attention whatsoever. Speaking of getting the reader's attention, get into Mel's head more. He's your protagonist, and a third person neutral omniscient viewpoint doesn't work with only one person.

Word repetition is also something you don't manage to avoid. Whether it be Oak saying the word "strange" twice in one line, or Mel screaming all the time, there's no variety to your words. You can scream, yes, but you can yell, holler, bellow, cry, shout, exclaim, even say loudly... but the English language has a great many words for a great many situations. Limiting yourself makes the story read like it doesn't even respect itself. A story that doesn't respect itself simply can't be good. I don't mean a story has to be serious, but I mean a story has to have three things: Consistency, fluency of language (except in cases where it's intentionally bad), and a logical story progression. Read any novel of any genre, even the bad paperback pulp romance novels that you can buy for like $5, they have almost everything I've listed that you lack, even though they aren't very good.

While your story is better than the Pokémon anime, I say this only out of concept, which is itself recycled from the TCG. Mechanically and internally, it's a load of garbage. I'd place you at a grade three writing level, maybe grade five, in terms of grammatical prowess and control of language. That's it.
Click to expand...


HAHAHAHAHAH! I love your posts! I do! They are utter crap! A lot of big words jumbled into paragraphs that look like intelligence. Who do you think you are fooling?
 
ZaPaDoS1 said:
HAHAHAHAHAH! I love your posts! I do! They are utter crap! A lot of big words jumbled into paragraphs that look like intelligence. Who do you think you are fooling?
Click to expand...

The irony of YOU saying HIS posts are crap is incredible.
 
ZaPaDoS1 said:
HAHAHAHAHAH! I love your posts! I do! They are utter crap! A lot of big words jumbled into paragraphs that look like intelligence. Who do you think you are fooling?
Click to expand...
oh man, you dont even realize how funny it is with you making fun of Marril's posts

here's a hint. she knows how to write. you do not :thumb:

p.s. if you dont know what the words in her posts mean, you should look them up, not just try to pass them off thinking she doesnt know what they mean because YOU dont know what they mean :nonono:

a dictionary is your friend :biggrin:

P.P.S. by posting anything, you make it open for critisism. if you dont like people being critical of you, then you shouldnt post
 
And the title change just proves all of our points.
Just because people are being critical or are arguing with you does not mean they are "not nice". People other than you are allowed to be right, yknow. We all have our opinions, and if you can't listen to them, like Anaconda said, you shouldn't post.
 
ZaPaDoS1 said:
HAHAHAHAHAH! I love your posts! I do! They are utter crap! A lot of big words jumbled into paragraphs that look like intelligence. Who do you think you are fooling?
Click to expand...

I'm a published author. You're some schmuck who can't even use basic English properly. Your edited topic title lies; it's not even an argument. Or, to use a borrowed Internet cliché, "Who is really the stupid?"

If you can't handle criticism, then you shouldn't even try writing. It's not a case of me being "not nice," it's a case of me telling you exactly what's wrong with your story. Nobody would argue my assessment of your story as "a load of garbage," with a list of such gross and excessive faults with basic English grammar as you've racked up. "Not nice" is along the lines of, "Your story sucks." Criticism is something along the lines of, "This is where your story's faults lie." Summing it up negatively was just the natural conclusion of my criticism. Basically, I say what I think about the stories I read. I don't sugar-coat what's wrong with them. I don't tap-dance around the issue with pointless euphemisms and sugary, meaningless phrases and say something like, "Your use of paragraphs is minimally exceptional." I say what's really wrong with your story because frankly that's the only way you'll ever improve, by being told what you're doing wrong and how to fix your problems (something which you'll notice I also did for you).

Basically, clean up your story and repost it. You'll find the welcome a lot better when you even follow basic English grammatical rules. Quit whining and either accept the criticism with dignity and use it to enhance your writing skills, or continue to whine and show that you have a third-grade maturity to go along with your demonstrated third-grade writing skills.
 
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