Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

Pikachu and I

pikachugirl1990

New Member
I am a trainer and my first Pokemon is Pikachu and it stayed in it's Poke Ball. So I was walking in the grass and and a wild Charmander started to attack me and I threw the ball and said Pikachu! I choose you and Pikachu came out in a flash!!!! : ) I said to my parnter, use thundershock now! My Pikachu is a girl and she used her attack on the wild Pokemon and Chrmander was hurt badly so I threw a poke ball and he was captured. The next thing that happen was I was being ambushed by a group of Pidgey. Pikachu used her thundershock attack and all the pidgey fantied. and I ran to the nearest Pokemon Center and a boy trainer came out and his name is Barry and he smiled at me when I came walking by him. Barry has a Bulbasaur and he became my new friend. Nurse Joy healed Pikachu and Charmander. This story will go on soon.
 
I am a trainer and my first Pokemon is Pikachu and it stayed in it's Poke Ball. So I was walking in the grass and and a wild Charmander started to attack me and I threw the ball and said Pikachu! I choose you and Pikachu came out in a flash!!!! : ) I said to my parnter, use thundershock now! My Pikachu is a girl and she used her attack on the wild Pokemon and Chrmander was hurt badly so I threw a poke ball and he was captured. The next thing that happen was I was being ambushed by a group of Pidgey. Pikachu used her thundershock attack and all the pidgey fantied. and I ran to the nearest Pokemon Center and a boy trainer came out and his name is Barry and he smiled at me when I came walking by him. Barry has a Bulbasaur and he became my new friend. Nurse Joy healed Pikachu and Charmander. This story will go on soon.
Challenge Barry to a battle and PWN his Bulbasaur with your Charmander!
 
Pikachu and I part 2

Chapter 2
Barry battled with me and he sent out his Bulbasaur and I sent out my Charmander. Charmander was very scared because this is his first battle. Pikachu was in the sidelines cheering for me. Charmander used his ember attack and Bulbasaur fainted. So Barry had lost his first match and he paid me 300 poke dollars. I waved good-bye to my friend and I walked to a grassy bush and a wild Starly appeard! I called on Pikachu and she came off my hat that has a pink poke ball on it. Pikachu used quick attack and Starly taken some damage and I threw a poke ball and the Starly was caught. I walked to the nearest gym and the gym leader is my best friend named Hope. Hope is a water type trainer. She waved at me when I came in the gym. Hope sent out a Piplup and I sent out Pikachu. Pikachu won the battle with a thundershock attack. Hope gave me the rain badge.

Chapter 3
Barry and I went to the forest to camp out where we heard a loud howling sound in the bushes!!!! It was a wild Houndour!!!! Barry's eyes widen and he said, Sara, I am scared!!! I sent out Starly and he was hurt from his last battle with a wild Skitty. I had to use a potion on Starly and he was fully healed. Starly used tackle and Houndour was hit very hard so I threw a great ball at it and the ball rocked that means Houndour was caught!!!! The next morning, it was raining like crazy and Charmander stayed in the tent while Barry was looking for food. Barry had found cookies and sushi. I was feeding Pikachu some nuts. The next town is called Lilycove Town that has a Pokemon Contest hall and a Pokemon Gym with a trianer named Leah who is a fire type user. I spotted a wild Piplup and I called on Pikachu and she came out of her poke ball. I am a 17 year old Pokemon Trainer trying to catch a wild Piplup but the little Pokemon kept on escaping the ball. I told Pikachu, use your thunerwave attack to paralyze the Piplup. Pikachu used that attack and the Piplup can't move. I threw the ball and the Piplup was caught after a long battle.

Chapter 4
The next day was very cold because it was still raining very hard. The Pokemon contest hall was shaped like a flower. So, Barry, and I walked to the contest hall and a contest judge came out of the hall smiling. His name is John. John is a tall man with a hat on his head. John said to me, Welcome to Lilycove Town!!!! John gave me some Poffins to feed to my Pokemon. Pikachu ate a sweet Poffin and I fed Houndour some spicy poffins to make his coolness much better. I have entered the cute contest with Pikachu. Pikachu showed her tailwhip and the group of judges clapped for Pikachu! Pikachu won the cute contest. I was given a ribbon for Pikachu. I went to the Pokemon Center where a young trainer was walking out and she smiled at me. This trianer is named Mary and she has a Torchic. Mary just became a traianer and I helped her out by teaching her how to battle and rise Pokemon. Something was in the bushes starring at me with red eyes. The thing jumpped out howling it was a Houndoom!!! I called on Piplup and he came out of the ball in a flash. Piplup used his water gun attack and the Houndoom taken very heavy damage. The Houndoom fanited. My Pokemon were healed by Nurse Joy. I went to Lilycove Gym where Leah was waitng for me. She smiled a wide smile and said welcome to my gym Sara. Leah showed me the blaze badge and she walked to the leader's corner and I walked to the vistor's corner. I threw a poke ball and I said Piplup! I choose you!!! Leah called on Chimchar! Piplup used bubble and Chimchar taken very heavy damage. The battle ended very fast because Leah didn't have any extra Pokemon with her.

Chapter 5
The next city is called Waterfall lake town and I looked at the townmap to see where is this towm located. My rival is named Jake and he is a friend of mine since we were little. He lives in Twinlealf Town. Jake was already at Waterfall Lake town waiting on me to get there. Barry saw a group of Pokemon Gangsters trying to hurt my best friend. This group is called Team Rocket and they are Pokemon bad guys who uses Pokemon for their evil deeds. The region I am in is called Little Kanto. I asked my best friend, are you all right? Hope cried and said to me, they stole my Staryu and my Seel! I said to Hope, I will get the Pokemon back for you. I asked Barry, will you tag team with me to stop Team Rocket? Sure thing Sara said Barry in a calm voice. I called on Pikachu and Barry called on his new Pokemon called Ponyta. Jessie sent out Arbok and James sent out Carivine. Pikachu was hurt in the battle and she looked pale like a gray stone. I told Pikachu to rest until I get to the Pokemon Center. I sent out Houndour and Ponyta knocked out Carivine. Houndour used his fire blast attack on Arbok and the purple Pokemon was now burned. Arbok tried to use bite on Houndour and my Houndour dodged the attack. Arbok taken some damge from his burn and after awhile he fainted. So Barry and I have won the battle and Pikachu used thunder on Team Rocket and they said Team Rocket is blasting off again!!!! Hope smiled and said Sara, thank you for saving my Pokemom. Waterfall lake town is a few miles away.

Chapter 6
Jake smiled at me and said Sara, how are you? I am doing fine. Jake showed me his Turtwig and Turtwig started to lick my face. I walked to the Pokemon Center where everyone stopped and look at me. I went up tp the counter and asked Nurse Joy, can you look at my Pikachu? Joy said yes I can Sara. I waited a few horus and Nurse Joy came back out and said, your Pikachu is fully healed and remeber to have potions on hand. The gyn leader of Waterfall lake gym is named Bobby and he is a ground type trainer. Barry, Jake and I rested in a hotel with a pool for my Piplup. That night, I had a dream and this dream has my boyfriend in it and my boyfriend is named Anakin Skywalker. Anakin won the Pokemon League while I dropped out in this dream but I became a Pokemon Breeder who breeds Pikachu. The next morning, Piplup woke me up and he was crying. I asked Barry, why is Piplup crying? Barry sighed and said, he wants to play with Houndour but Houndor tried to bite Piplup. I called Proffessor Rown and he told me to send Houndour to him. and that is the thing I did. I walked outside to get fresh air while a wild Pachirisu was right infront of me!!! I called on Pikachu. Pikachu used quick attack and I threw a poke ball and now Pachirisu was caught.

Chapter 7
Pachirisu was my friend and he was playing hide and seek with Pikachu. I went to Water Fall Lake gym and Bobby smiled and said hi trainer! Welcome to my gym!!! I said Hi. I am Sara a Pokemon Trainer. Bobby told Barry to come in to watch the battle. Charmander elvoled into Charmleon while we were in battle with a wild Oddish. Bobby called on Cubone. I said Piplup! I choose you!!!! Piplup was scared and Cubone tried to use bone club and Piplup doddged the attack and now Piplup used water gun! Cubone taken too much damge and he fantied! I have won the Battle and Bobby gave me the rock badge.
 
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The grammar is terrible, the pacing is terrible, there are no fine details, and the sentences look like a first-grader composed them. If your user name and profile are to be believed, there is really no excuse for it to be this bad. Honestly, until I noticed the date on your name and viewed your profile, I assumed you were no older than 10.
 
Why are Jessie and James here? The battles are going way too fast. Most of them consist of your Pokemon using a super-effective move, 1HKOing your opponent's Pokemon.
 
The order in which you introduce things is... pathetic. You suddenly decide to mention that you are in Little Kanto in the middle of a fight againts Team Rocket. :nonono:
 
*coughs* back on topic please...which is _constructive criticism_ of the fan fic posted, not just posting a list of what is 'wrong' with it. please re-read the rules of the forum stickied at the top before commenting further...

'mom
 
Ever heard of these things: "" ?
They are called quotation marks. You put them before and after what a character in writing is saying, so that you know what is being said, and what is just a comment by the narrator. They are very important, and will make your writing look a whole lot better.
 
Next grammar lesson: Fluent writing
It is often important to add details. For example, take when you caught Pachirisu. How did Pachirisu react when it saw you? Did it counterattack? What type of Poke-Ball did you use?
Don't just post this information in the next chapter. Edit the previous chapter with new information. Then add details to your other chapters.
 
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