Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

Team Magma Take Over Plan!

Z

zapydos

New Member
Team Magma Take Over Plan!

Chapter 1 - Promotion for Brendon

“Shut up!” shouted a female Magma admin to a male Magma grunt.
“What!? Did you tell me to shut up!?” said the Magma grunt.
“Quiet!” snapped Maxie. “You can settle this later”.
“Yeah, we got to wake up Groundon”, replied the Magma grunt.
“Good show Brendon!” said Maxie.
As soon as Maxie left the room Brendon said to the admin “You're going down Harriet!”
“Well same to you Brendon!” said Harriet.
“Go! Salamence!” shouted Brendon.
“Well, well, well. Where have you been lately?” asked Harriet.
“Nowhere” replied Brendon sheepishly.
“Anyway Go! Hariyama! Use body slam!” cried Harriet.
Brendon responded, “ Salamence use fly!”
Then Salamence flew up and came down and hit Hariyama in the stomach.
Hariyama fainted!
“Shoot!” hissed Harriet.
“Ha-ha-ha!” said Maxie clapping, “Bravo, good show Brendon! Once again you have proven your self-worthy of this promotion congrats, Brendon you are now an admin!”
 
Chapter 2 Team Who?

The next day, at 1:00 in the morning Brendon heard a crash. He woke up and listened, nothing.
Crash!
“Huh? I’ll check it out, I guess.” He said as he warily made his way to the source of the sound.
Crash!
“So who are you?” He asked the two people, and the pokemon, that fell from the ceiling. “Well, well, well it’s a member of Team Magma?” said the boy.
“Ditto.” Said the girl.
“What the heck are we doing? We’re Team Rocket! We’re supposed to be stealing pokemon!” said the pokemon
“Team who?” asked Brendon, “and why do you want to steal Team Magma’s pokemon?” “BECAUSE WE’RE THIEFS GET IT!” shouted the pokemon “anyway, I’m meowth and these are Jessie and James.”
“Shush!” said Brendon.
“You must be Team Rocket from Kanto! You can’t catch a fly! We’re not that bad!” sobbed James.
“Ditto!” Jessie also cried.
“Shut up!” said meowth slapping Jessie and James across the face with his claws.
“Hey meowth, maybe we could join forces!” cried Brendon.
“Sure but I’ve gotta give you something, here” said meowth holding out his paw to give Brendon a poke ball.
“Thanks. What is in it?” asked Brendon.
“It’s a chansey, a rare pokemon found in the safari zone,” replied meowth.
 
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Chapter 3 to mt. Chimney

Later that day maxie announced, “fellow team magma members! We shall make a pit stop at mt. Chimney!” all the team magma members cheered including Jessie and James and mewoth. When maxie stopped giving the speech, a TV screen came down from the ceiling “whose playing pokemon sapphire!?” snapped maxie as one of the grunts grinned sheepishly and turned the game off. “Any way, watch the screen.” The screen came on and every one saw a trainer. “Hey that’s the twerp!” cried James. “Shut up!” Shouted meowth. “hm?” maxie asked accusingly. “Are you spies from team aqua?”
“No sir Mr. maxie sir see the R’s on our shirts? Oh yes I’m James, she’s Jessie, and that’s meowth!” replied James.
“I see. This is the trainer that we should watch out for. So what are we weighting for? Lets go to mt. Chimney!” cried maxie. So they headed off mt. Chimney and met up with team aqua! They battled team aqua and maxie managed to put his plan into action.
 
Chapter 4 Xatu attack!

As they were setting the meteorite in a contraption that Team Magma had built in their spare time, Ash and crew came and said, “Leave team aqua alone!”
“ Fine, if you can defeat me!” cried Maxie. So they took out poke balls and tossed them! “Go! Camrupt!” shouted Maxie.
“So a Camrupt, then Go! Treecko!” Shouted Ash.
“Ha ha ha! So you send out a Treecko to face my Camrupt! Ha ha ha!” mocked Maxie. Xatu came out of nowhere to eat the birdseed that a dim-witted team magma grunt had put in the machine. So the machine fell into Mt. Chimney and melted. The Xatu were MAD. So they pecked the Team Magma members including Brendon! So the meteorite cracked open and Jarichi so Team Magma threw poke balls.
Brendon shouted, “I caught it!”
So maxie said “good show! You shall be leader of Team Magma some day!”
That made Brendon happy! So team magma went to their base in Lilly Cove city.
 
Chapter 5 Lilly Cove Hide Out

A few days later Maxie made an announcement over the PA; “in two days they would head off to the under water cave of Groundon. We shall wake him up and make more land for pokemon and people to advance!”
“Yeah!” yelled all the Team Magma members.
“Not so fast Maxie!” shouted Ash as he barged through the doors.
“Ha ha ha! So a young boy thinks he is going to stop me? Ha ha ha!” mocked Maxie. Over the PA.
“Go! Bagon!” cried Ash.
“Brendon! Would you take care of this push-over?” shouted Maxie.
“Fine.” Brendon called back. “You’ll have to find me first, push-over!”
“Fine.” Sighed Ash.
“Well what are you waiting for? Find me!” said Brendon over the PA.
Ash ran into dead ends, which made him frustrated. Finally it was 9:00PM so Ash found an armchair in a cluttered room so he could sleep. In the morning he woke up and saw a door he hadn’t seen before so he ran through the door and found him self in Maxie’s office. He saw pokeballs on the ground so he picked one up and it was an Electrode! So Ash ran away until he ran right into Brendon and knocked him into the water and so Brendon swam into a submarine that was loaded with Team Magma members.
 
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Chapter 6 Groudon!

Meanwhile Unbeknownst to Team Magma; a trainer named Bob was following on a Wailmer to stop them! In the cramped submarine, Maxie was giving orders to the Team Magma members on what to do once they got to the cave of Groudon.
“Great.” Grumbled Brendon. He had to drive the submarine. He wasn’t good at it but eventually they got to the cave.
“Now go to your places!” Maxie called to the members of Team Magma. Brendon thought that Maxie sounded like a director. Maxie hurried through the chambers but Bob was following him! Once Maxie got to Groudon’s chamber, Bob said, “stop! I will battle you!”
“Ha ha ha! You can’t stop me now!” laughed Maxie. Then they started a battle! “Go! Camrupt! Shouted Maxie.
“Go! Swinub!” Cried Bob. Just then Groudon awoke and roared! Then it disappeared!
“This can’t be!” shouted Maxie. Then Archie came and said, “ I knew this would happen you shouldn’t have done this Maxie, come and look outside.”
 
Chapter 7 Brendon saves the day!

Outside, it was very, very sunny. The sun was so hot it hurt! “What the heck is going on here?!” cried Maxie. Then it hit him like a ton of bricks. It was him who did it. He unleashed Groudon upon the world again! “It was Groudon,” muttered Maxie unhappily. “Yes it was you and your stupid desire to expand land forms!” shouted Archie
“I think Groudon was headed to Sootopolis into the cave of origin incase you wanted to capture him.” Suggested Brendon “my Salamence can fly us there.”
“Good idea!” cried Maxie. So Maxie and Brendon hopped on Salamence and came through the hole in the big rock that surrounded the city. But when they got there Bob had already got to the cave of origin!
It was a journey full of perils: Zubat, Golbat, and Mawile. They walked through the inky darkness until Team Magma reached Groudon’s new chamber. There it was very light and sunny. Bob and Brendon were fighting over Groudon! Suddenly Salamence burst out of its ball and attacked Groudon! So Brendon threw a pokeball at Groudon and caught it! “Congats! You a now the leader of Team Magma! As for me, I shall retire to Kanto’s Cerulean city!” Maxie replied as he left.
“Let’s leave for Joto in the morning!” Cried Brendon.
 
Hi Zapydos good first work! i can see a lot of development going from chapter 1 to chapter 7, your story telling skills improved measurably by adding context for the dialog. maybe a few too many exclamation points, hehe ;) But keep on working; you're going in the right direction! :)
 
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Clearly some people don't get the concept of constructive advice:

"4. Don't just tell someone that his or her fan fiction is bad. If you are going to make negative comments, try to tell the author how they can improve their FanFic and help them make it better."
 
Spam removed.

People write in different styles. Just because some of you like to set up with a 1,000-word beginning does not mean eveyone has to. Enjoy what has been presented. Give constructive criticism. If you think it is too short, tell why (other than "That's the way i do it" :/) and how to improve.
 
well, let's see, I will try to extract constructivity out of my last post
1.Please make the chapters longer. It's no fun to be able to read 7 chapters in 5 minutes. You could probably combine about 3 of your current chapters to make 1 chapter, so my suggestion is like, write 3 "chapters" at a time, but combine them into 1.
2.Slow down the plot a little. In my opinion, it is going way to fast, and if it goes that fast you will run out of ideas, thus short-living the story.
 
thanks Burninating_Torchic, i'm a first time writer and i'm still learning. i'll try to make my chapters longer. thanks for the suggestions!
 
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