Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

The Last Pokemon Trainer.

Elite_4_Allen

Elite_4_Allen

New Member
I haven't done a fan fic in a while, I want you guys to see i've improved.

Prolouge:

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The bitter wind blew against the battle-hardened shoulders of a former trainer. The snow sticking to his torn, and rugged jacket. His jacket was red and black, the former symbol of the trainer. He had short red hair, thick, bushy eyebrows, a thin nose, and deep blue eyes. His name was Terry. He still carried his belt from when he was a trainer, the poke'balls were beaten and empty. He kept walking until he unknowingly stumbled upon a block of ice.
CRASH!
He fell to the ground./
"Owwww!" He growled. He took a deeper look at the chunk of liquid crystal.

"Whoa! Something's inside of there!" He exclaimed. Then a bright light came from the hunk of ice.
The ice started cracking revealing...A person?
 
Show, don't tell. Where is this information coming from? Is an unknown narrator describing the story. or is it shown from Terry's point of view? Simply watching the scene, his name would not be known. You need to decide what perspective to write from.

Did Terry actually just walk straight into a very large object that was in plain sight? Why? Was he not paying attention, or was something obstructing his vision?

"Liquid crystal" =/= ice. Ice is not liquid, nor is it crystal. If this substance is something other than ice, avoid describing it as both.

Avoid exclamations and unattributed thoughts in your narration. For example, this sentence:

Elite_4_Allen said:
"Whoa! Something's inside of there!" He exclaimed. Then a bright light came from the hunk of ice.
The ice started cracking revealing...A person?
Click to expand...

A better way to write this part would be to describe what happened (A light appearing, and the ice starting to crack). Then use dialogue to reveal thoughts and unconfirmed occurrences. For example:

Elite_4_Allen said:
"Whoa! Something's inside of there!" he exclaimed. A bright light began to emanate from the chunk of ice, and it started to crack. "That thing looks almost like... a person?"
Click to expand...

If you avoid mixing up descriptions and thoughts, it will be easier to show the personality of your characters in future chapters.



I look forward to the next chapter. Keep up the writing, this isn't bad.
 
Chapter 1: Awakening.
-------------------------
Terry was blinded by the light, and now the ice was breaking of in large chunks.
FLOP! Out of the ice came a body, a person with messy, black hair,a red hat, a white tee-shirt, blue jeans, and a belt. His dark green eyes were fixed shut, his thin eyebrows turned down. His wide mouth breathing heavily. Terry took a closer look at the belt. There were poke'balls!
3 of them! Feeding his curiosity, he took one of the spheres from the belt.
He threw it down.
FWOOSH! The ball exploded in a white light, and the shape of a pokemon took form. It was a luxray!
"could this be true?! A pokemon trainer?!"
The obvious trainer struggled to open his eyes.
"Hey, You must be a trainer too! Lets battle!" He said, his dark green eyes sparkling.
"I'm afraid I cannot do battle with you, trainer." Terry woefully replied.

"Why not?" The trainer inquired.

"It's not safe to explain here! If anyone sees you, we're both dead!"
Ignoring Terry, the trainer proceeds to his luxray.

"Hey, boy, you're awfully cold. Did you enjoy your nap?"
Luxray shook, and gave a satisfyed purr.

"Oh, boy," said Terry.
 
Ok, time to critique this... I warn you now that it's not going to be pretty, but it should help you to improve.

Terry was blinded by the light, and now the ice was breaking of in large chunks.
Click to expand...

Light? How can ice/crystal, whichever it is, emit light by breaking?

FLOP! Out of the ice came a body, a person with messy, black hair,a red hat, a white tee-shirt, blue jeans, and a belt. His dark green eyes were fixed shut, his thin eyebrows turned down. His wide mouth breathing heavily. Terry took a closer look at the belt. There were poke'balls!
Click to expand...
So, what else does he look like? What color is his skin? What shape are his eyes? Is he tall or short? Is he muscular? You should have much more description, especially if this boy is going to be a reoccurring character. Also, you don't specify that he's a boy. You say "he", but you only say "a person". Also, Terry isn't in shock, he just looks at the guy's belt? Sure there would be some curiosity, but it shouldn't override the "what the heck!?" moment he should be having.

"could this be true?! A pokemon trainer?!"
Click to expand...
I guess the Poke Balls could've been empty, but, IMO, this is unneeded.

The obvious trainer struggled to open his eyes.
"Hey, You must be a trainer too! Lets battle!" He said, his dark green eyes sparkling.
Click to expand...
Wait, wait, wait... Back up a second. He struggled to open his eyes, but he can immediately speak. And the first thing he says is asking for a battle? And how is he alive? There is a reasonable suspension of disbelief that every story calls for, but this is taking it a little too far.

Ignoring Terry, the trainer proceeds to his luxray.
Click to expand...

How did he proceed? Did he walk over? Or did his attention just turn to the Luxray? Also, "proceeded" is the correct tense here to avoid changing tenses, which is a bad thing. Stick in either past or present tense, don't switch between the two. But this is an easy mistake to make, so don't worry about it too much.

That's all I have for now. Please remember that I am only trying to help. And please don't be offended if I don't say anything good about your work, as sad as it may seem, I have difficulty switching from constructive criticism to praise, and vice versa, in a review. :rolleyes:
 
What Phantom said. Hey, look at me. I've become much better over the past year writing my story. It'll work out.

Naranja 33 tomorrow. Just a heads up, and keep up the work, -David
 
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