Pokémon TCG: Sword and Shield—Brilliant Stars

The Legend of Thunder: Updated 6/8 Now truly complete!

I didn't kill anyone this time. If you're thinking of who I think you're thinking of, he's not dead.
 
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^ You're kinda late asking, but if you PM me the poke you want to be and your personality I might get you in before it ends.
 
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*cracks knuckles*

Time to show you what a REAL grammar check is all about. :tongue:

You guys missed a TON of stuff.


pikamaster said:
Since I haven't gotten the grammar check and I'm tired of waiting, I'm just going to post part two now. As I said, it is short. <I'll do a grammar check now *evil grin* This should be fun.>

Chapter ??? Part 2​

<Needs indent>About two hours later and still in her cage, <About two hours later than what?> Lightning regained consciousness at the edge of [a] huge, gr[a]y, concrete, water filled aquarium, and was stronger than ever before. <Messy sentence, needs work.>

<Who is thinking/talking here?>
“I must have passed out just after they started feeding me Rare Candies[.] [del]but[/del] [W]ith me [being] unconscious[,] they could have done anything to me. [del]But[/del] [So,] this is what being level one hundred feels like.” She thought. <She thought what?>“I feel like I could kill all the Rockets in the building if I could just get these stupid machines off of me.["] <Messy sentence, could use work>


These[del] particular[/del]<Don't use particular twice in the same sentence> machines were designed particularly for Pichu, Pikachu and Raichu. Wires [del]attached[/del]<Needs different word. You use attached again later in this sentence.> to circular rubber seals, attached to her cheeks with hundreds of hook ended micro needles. <Very messy sentence. Needs work.>Once attached,<You use attached a little to much here> they wouldn’t release their painful kiss until they had drained their victims body of almost all electricity, leaving just enough for Lightning’s heart to keep beating.

<Again, who is thinking/speaking here?>
“What are they waiting for? Why do they insist o[n] having everything made out of steel or concrete? Why are my ribs so sore? And why are we at this pond sized aquarium?<Bad description, sounds awkward.> If they threw me in I’d drown before they got what they want[ed], unless they know that I can…”

Her thoughts were interrupted as the Rocket’s only competent scientist [DEL]quickly walked[/DEL] into the room. He had changed into a black, rubber wet suit[del],[/del] complete with an air tank strapped to his back[.] but with boots instead of flippers.<Needs to be a new sentence, messy description.> Without so much as a word[del],[/del] he unlocked the Pikachu’s cage and dumped her in the water. Spitting water out of her mouth as she surfaced, Lightning turned towards the scientist as he began to speak in his harsh[del],[/del] cold voice.

“Now even though you’re just an animal, I know that you and other animals understand some commands. So if you don’t want to drown, I suggest you actually obey me and use Surf.”

How did he know? Stunned, Lightning kept asking herself that<Kept asking herself what?> as she treaded water for a minute before she actually started using the move. The water swelled under her as a huge wave formed. Riding on top of it, the soaked Pikachu saw something under her ribcage begin to glow.

“That must be why my ribs are sore, but what is it?”

Gasping, Lightning saw what had been described to her only in stories. A Light Ball.

“Where did they find that? And why is it inside of me?”

Not a stupid Pokémon, Lightning figured out the answer to her later question rather quickly.

“The Rockets must’ve put it inside of me. But where did they find it?<"Hey" is a bad intro to your sentence. Find a better word.> Hey, maybe I can use Surf to kill the Rockets in here. Then maybe I could actually escape.”

But a few moments after this thought occurred to her, the Surfing Pikachu was only just able to keep the Move going as the machines attached to her started doing their work. With the combination of water, being level one hundred and the Light Ball, Lightning’s electricity was much more powerful then she had thought would ever be possible. <Messy sentence, needs work>

It was over in a few seconds. With their job done, the rubber seals dropped off her cheeks to dangle from their wires while Lightning struggled not to just stop using Surf and drown.<Messy sentence, needs work.> Consciousness slipping from her, the last thing the Pikachu was aware of was falling over the cement, then roughly being caught and put back in her cage.

Seeing the Lightning black out, the Rocket scientist warily looked around, and seeing no bugs, started his maniacal laughing. But while walking over to the cage, he slipped and fell into the pool and started choking on the water, his moment ruined again. < Messy, needs some work.>

R&R please. [del]And[/del] [If there is] anyone who can do a [g]rammar check for me<You asked for it...>, it would be appreciated.
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But DPika, you spelled messy as "messey" and speaking as "speeking". I'm not sure you know what you're doing. :tongue:
 
Thanks for the check DP, now I can start doing my chapter right. (Maybe.) But I will addressee some things that you have in there. That last sentence isn't supposed to be that good, I didn't actually mean to keep "hey", but I had put it there as one of the ideas for the chapter. And for the But/So, it's a whole new line of thought. I'm abruptly switching what the thought is, from what they did to what Lvl 100 feels like. Particular was a typo, and for the "who is thinking here", since it's continuing on the same person and there's only one person (yes, I'm referring to a pikachu as a person) who's in that position it shouldn't need something like; "Lightning started to think again." And I really had no other word for "attached".
 
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Lucario EX said:
But DPika, you spelled messy as "messey" and speaking as "speeking". I'm not sure you know what you're doing. :tongue:
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I never said I was good at spelling. I have excellent grammar, my spelling just sucks. :tongue: The spell check stopped working, and I didn't feel like trying to figure out why it wasn't working.
 
Yes, but I got Pokemon Ranger a few days ago and wanted to beat that before I actually start the next chapter. I have no idea when the next chapter is going to be written, but I can almost guarantee you that it won't be a week.
 
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Doesn't everyone hate writers block? It keeps me from getting the next chapter started, and keeps you guys from reading my next chapter. Just saying, don't expect an update any time soon.
 
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No, it's "I can't think of anything decent to write for the next chapter".=P I'd like to get the next chapter done, but I can't think of what I want to do in that chapter. I'm going to try to start it soonish, but don't expect anything for a while.
 
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Ok everyone. I've been thinking about it, and since this story lacks a real plot, the characters are all about the same and I'm working on a better story, I'm going to shorten this. There will be one or two more chapters, it might seem a little rushed and less detailed, but I will put everyone who asked to be in in there somewhere. And for those of you who need reasons for me doing this, here they are.

1. Back in July when I first started this story, I had no idea what I was going to do with it. It was "Make it up as I went along."

2. As I said, the characters really don't have any characteristics that make them different. They all talk the same way.

3. The first few chapters where so bad, in grammar, length and detail, the picture of where they were supposed to live is so messed up, and I messed up the levels and attacks.

4. Reading over it again, I now notice how similar to Warriors it is. Next time, I need to listen more.>_<

5. I'm working on the start of what will be a much better, more involved story that will actually have originality and a PLOT!
 
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